Jokes News

There once was a blonde that went into a library and ask one of the librarians, “Can I have a large fri and a large coke.” The librarian said, “Quiet! This is a library not McDonalds.” The blonde said, “Oh I’m sorry” and she said very quietly, “Can I have a large fri and a large coke.”

A young Christian sweetie came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me tonight.”

“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.

“Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”

Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

There’s this guy who is in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So, he’s shopping around, answering ads in thenewspaper, not having much luck. One day, he comes across a bike for sale in a yard.

Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition and inquires about it with the owner.

“This bike is beautiful!” He says. “I’ll take it! But how did you keep it in such great shape?”

“Well,” says the seller, “it’s pretty simple, just make sure that if the bike is outside and it looks like rain, that you rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it, and since you are buying it, you can also have my jar of Vaseline.”

So the guy buys the bike and is now a happy biker.

That night, he decides to ride the bike to his girlfriend’s parent’s house to make a good impression. His girlfriend loves Harleys, and he had never met her parents, but figured they could not help but be impressed.

Upon arriving, his girlfriend grabs his arm and says “Honey, I have got to tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner, has to do the dishes.”

“No problem” he says, and they go in.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge pile of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge pile. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes!

They all sit down for dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So, he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but they stay quiet. So, he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

Her mom is kind of cute, he decides, so he grabs the mom and has his way with her, also on the dinner table. Once again, total silence! As he is sitting there thinking that this family is a little strange, he notices rain drops on the window, and figures he better take care of the bike, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly, the father stands up and shouts “All right, All right! I’ll do the God-damned dishes!”

Titles of Children’s Books you probably WON’T see!

1.Some Kittens Can Fly
2.That’s it, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption
3.Grandpa Gets a Casket
4.The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
5.Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
6.The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
7.Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8.Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9.All Cats Go to Hell
10.The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11.The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
12.Your Nightmares Are Real
13.Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
14.Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
15.Pop! Goes The Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games
16.You Are Different and That’s Bad
17.The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
18.Dad’s New Wife Robert
19.Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
20.Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
21.Eggs, toliet paper, and your school
22. You were an accident
23. What rich kids have, and you never will

Inventions by Blondes
? The water-proof towel
? Glow in the dark sunglasses
? Solar powered flashlights
? Submarine screen doors
? A book on how to read
? Inflatable dart boards
? A dictionary index
? Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
? Powdered water
? Pedal-powered wheel chairs
? Waterproof tea bags
? Watermelon seed sorter
? Zero proof alcohol
? Reuseable ice cubes
? See-through toilet tissue
? Skinless bananas
? Do-it-yourself road map
? Turnip ice cream
? Toe implants
? An all white flag
? Rolls Royce pickup truck

The Pope and President Clinton just happened to die on the same day.

Now obviously the Pope was to go to heaven and Clinton was supposed to go to hell. Somehow this gets crossed up.

God and Satan realized their error and Satan sent the Pope up and God sent Clinton down. They just happened to meet in the middle, so they stopped to chit-chat for a minute.

Clinton asked the pope,”What had you hoped to do when you got to heaven?”

The Pope replied very solemly, “I had hoped to meet the
blessed virgin Mary.”

Clinton replied, “Sorry, you are too late.”

Q. Why was the condom laying on the floor?

A. He got pissed off.