Jokes News

After the pompous Congressman was arrested for speeding, he was brought before the judge. The politician spoke in his usual oratorical manner, “I may have been speeding a little bit, Your Honor. But, you see, I’m a Congressman and …”

“Ignorance is no excuse!” interrupted the judge who then levied a hefty fine on the erring politician.

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

“Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme’?” she asked.

“Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. But I HAVE got a wife and eleven children.”

“Is that a record?” she inquired.

“I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get to setting one.”

Stupid people should have to wear signs that say, “I’M STUPID!” That would save the rest of us “normal” folks a lot of headaches. We wouldn’t rely on them or expect much from them. It would be like, “Oh, excuse me. Never mind. I just noticed your sign.”

It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes, and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says, “Hey, you moving?”

“Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes.” (He needs that sign.)

A couple of months ago, I went fishing with a buddy of mine. We pulled his boat into the dock, and I lifted up this big ole stringer of bass. This idiot on the dock goes, “Hey, ya’ll catch all them fish?”

“Nope, just talked ‘em into giving up.” (Talk about need a sign, huh?)

Then the last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, “Tire go flat?”

I couldn’t resist! I said, “Nope. I was driving around, and those other three just swelled right up on me.” (Sign needed there?)

In my younger days, I learned to drive an 18-wheeler. Wouldn’t ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck, and I couldn’t get it out no matter how hard I tried.

I radioed in for help, and eventually a local cop showed up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning…ok…no problem. I thought he was an OK fellow…until he came out with, “So…is your truck stuck?”

I couldn’t help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, “No. I’m deliverin’ a bridge!!!” (Where’s that sign?)

Not likely to find these cards at your local Hallmark store….

“Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.”

“How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?”

“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”

“I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you.”

“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder:
What the heck was I thinking?”

“As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.”

“If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.”

“As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me. Like the need for therapy…”

“Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!”

“Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You’ll probably need it again.”

“Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.”

“Sorry things didn’t work out, but I can’t handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine.”

“Happy Birthday! You look great for your age…Almost Lifelike!

“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”

“I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.
So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”

“We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits.”

“I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.”

“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?”

“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…. I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”

“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday
—so we’re having you put to sleep.”

“Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!” (available only in Arkansas)

A father put his young son to bed every night, and to make sure he said his prayers, the father waited outside the bedroom door and listened. Each night the boy ended his prayers with “God bless mommy, daddy, the dog and the cat.”

One day the cat scratched the little boy and that night he finished his prayers, “God bless mommy, daddy and the dog.”

The next morning when the family awoke they found the cat dead.

A few days later the dog bit the little boy. That night he ended his prayers, “God bless mommy and daddy.”

The next morning when the family awoke, they found the dog dead.

Several days later the boy got in trouble at school and his dad chewed him out and grounded him for a week.

That night as his dad listened outside the door the boy finished his prayers, “God bless mommy.”

The father was really concerned in light of what had happened to the cat and dog. He decided to sit up all night in the living room with the lights on so nothing would happen to him.

As the family began to stir the next morning, the father much relieved went to the door to get the milk.

There on the porch he found the milkman, dead.

A man mentioned to his landlord that the tenants in the apartment above his were being a bit unruly. “Many a night they stomp on the floor and shout till around midnight.”

When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, “Not really because I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night, anyway.”

I just heard a story on the radio about a 90-year-old lady who decided that buying Christmas presents for all her family and friends had become a bit much. So she wrote out checks for all of them to put in her Christmas cards. She then wrote out her Christmas cards and put, “Buy your own present” after her name and sent them off.

After the Christmas festivities were all over, she found the checks in her desk!

Everyone had got a Christmas card from her with “Buy your own present” written inside, but without the checks!