Jokes News

A young man said to his girlfriend’s father, “I realize that this is only a formality, but would you mind me marrying your daughter?”

“Who says it’s ONLY A FORMALITY?” asked the father angrily.

“Her obstetrician!” replied the young man.

Types of Farting People

The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.

The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other people’s farts.

The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.

The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.

The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.

The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.

The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.

The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.

The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.

The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.

The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.

The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.

The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.

The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.

The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor’s fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.

This couple had been married for about five years, and one day, as they are out working in the yard, the man tells his wife, “Man! Your butt is getting fat!”

She gets ticked off and moves to another part of the yard. The husband follows her and says, “You know, looking at that big gas grill over there, I’ll bet your butt is as big as that grill. It’s HUGE!”

The wife gets really mad, tells him HE can finish the yard by himself and goes inside. The husband then finds a yard stick, measures the grill, goes inside and measures his wife and says, “Yup, they are both the same size.” The wife is livid!! She doesn’t speak to him the rest of the day.

When the husband comes to bed that night, he tries to cuddle up next to his wife and says, “Hey, honey, how ’bout it?” She pulls back and says, “You’re crazy if you think I’m firing up this big gas grill for one little weenie!”

Cohen’s wife Zelda was a real shrew, a nag, a whiner, who made his life a hell on earth. When she died suddenly while screaming at him one morning, he nearly wept with joy.

At the funeral, they were carrying her casket to the grave when one of the pallbearers tripped on a big rock, and like dominoes, tripped all the other pallbearers. The casket went careening down the hill where the lid flew open as it crashed into a tree. Zelda sat up and began screaming at poor Cohen. She lived another ten years, making Cohen’s life even more miserable than before.

Finally, after another day of screaming at Cohen, she suddenly dropped dead again. As the pallbearers were carrying her casket to the grave, Cohen yelled, “WATCH OUT FOR THE BIG ROCK”.

One day Mom was cleaning her son’s room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it
to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a
word.

She finally asked him, “Well what should we do about this?”

Dad looked at her and said, “Well I don’t think you should
spank him.”

After reading the morning headlines about the recent stock market downturn, a high-powered executive trying to impress a client in his office, flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his secretary, “Miss Hunter, get my broker!”

The client was impressed until he heard the secretary’s clear voice saying, “Yes, Sir, stock or pawn?”

Why are men like toilets?

Because they are either engaged or full of shit!

I’m sure you can imagine
As plain as you can be
The place is picadilly
The player he and she

She whispered ‘will it hurt me?”
” Of coarse not” answered he
“It’s a very simple process,
You can rely on me”

She said “I’m frightened,
I’ve not had this before.
My friend has had it five times and said it can be sore.”

Then finally contented
Laid back and relaxed a bit
Quickly and readily he bent over her
And then he started it

It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must’ve been quite a size.

“Calm yourself,” he whispered
His face was filled with a grin
“Try and open wider so I can get it in”.

“It’s coming now” he whispered.
“I know .” she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said, “I am glad I’m having this”.

And with final effort
She gave a frightened shout.
He griped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.

She lay back quite contented
Sighed and gave a smile
She said, “I’m glad I came now,
You made it worth my while.”

Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find…
is not what you imagined,
it’s just your dirty little mind!!

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and John Kennedy?

A: One got his brains blown off and the other got shot.

A guy went to Vegas for the first time. He was very curious about the sex services offered there. Through a bell boy, he found the best in town.

When the lady came by, he asked, “How much is your service?”

She said, “$100 for a hand job.”

“WHAT? Why so expensive?” the guy asked in amazement.

The lady pulled him to the window and asked him, “Do you see that shiny, red Porsche down there? That’s what I earned by my hand!”

The guy was convinced and decided to try her out. It was great! So he asked, “What else can you do?”

The lady said, “For $200 I’ll give you a blow job.”

“WHAT! That’s way too expensive for a blow job!” he replied.

The lady again brought him to the window and said, “Do you see the restaurant down there? That’s what I’ve earned with my mouth!”

So the guy decided to go for it and gave her $200. It was unbelievable! He decided he wanted to try the “real” thing. So he asked, “How much for real intercourse?”

The lady pulled him over to the window again and said, “Do you see that casino down there?”

“I know, I know, that’s what you’ve earned with your pussy,” the guy interrupted.

“No,” the lady replied. “But it WOULD have been mine a long time ago, if I HAD a pussy!”