Jokes News

Cowboy Tex is out on the trail rounding up strays when suddenly his horse rears in terror. Tex draws his six-gun and takes aim at a rattlesnake warming itself in the morning sun.

“Hold on, Tex” says the snake, “Don’t shoot. I’m really a genie, and I’ll grant you three wishes if you don’t kill me.”

Since Tex and his horse are not within the rattlesnake’s striking range, he decides to take the snake’s offer. “OK,” says Tex. Here’s my three wishes…a face as handsome as Clark Gable, a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and genitals like this here stallion.”

“All right, Tex,” says the snake, “By the time you get back to the bunkhouse, your wishes will be granted.”

Tex turns the horse around and gallops all the way back to the bunkhouse. There he heads straight for the mirror to find he is indeed as handsome as Clark Gable, and as trim and muscular as Arnold Schwarzenegger. Eagerly he pulls down his jeans to see his enhanced equipment. As he looks in the mirror, he screams, “Aaaaagh, I was riding the gelding!”

Three boys went fishing by a stream. One of the boys left and was peeking through some nearby bushes. When the other two boys went to see what he was looking at, the little boy ran.

So the two boys looked through the bushes and saw a naked woman swimming.

When the two boys caught up to the first and asked why he ran away, he replied, “My mom told me that if I ever saw a naked woman I would turn to stone…..and part of me started getting hard so I ran!!”

The person in question, a woman in a Porsche, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer.

When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, the woman said, “I bet you’re going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman’s Ball.”

He replied, “No, Highway Patrolmen don’t have balls.”

There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he’d said.

The patrol officer closed his ticket book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

One day a man was working in his office. He had this beautiful secretary that had big boobs, nice butt, and was just beautiful from head to toe.

The man was married but he just couldn’t resist having sex with the secretary . So he ask her out to lunch. They had a few drinks and one thing led to another and they ended up in her apartment having the best sex the man had ever had.

They were having so much sex that they lost track of time. The man looked at his watch and saw that it was 8 o’clock. They’ve been having sex for 9 hours. So he got out of bed and asked the girl to go outside and put his shoes in the mud.

The secretary was confused but she did it anyway. The guy had a shower got dressed and drove home. He walked in the door and his wife was waiting for him.”Where have you been”.

He was not a good liar so he told the truth. “I went out to lunch with my secretary. One thing led to another and we were having sex. We did it for 9 hours and I’m so sorry. I just couldn’t resist,” the man said.

“You’re lying. There’s mud all over your shoes. You were out golfing, weren’t you!!!!!”

This guy has a crush on a girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her he gets the biggest erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it.

After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way he won’t have to see her and he won’t get too excited. He ends up asking her out and she says yes.

He figures what he’ll do is tie his penis to his leg so when he sees her it’ll be tied to his leg and she’ll never notice it. He gets to her house. When he knocks on her door, she answers the door in a sheer teddy.

He kicks her in the face.

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.”

“We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball….stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’”

A very busy corporate lawyer was called out of an important meeting to the bedside of an extremely wealthy widow who was one of the firm’s most prestigious clients. She was also well-known for her devoted Christian faith.

The lawyer was ushered into the bedroom of the widow and asked, “What can I do for you, Mrs. Warbucks?”

“Just come and stand beside my bed,” she said while lying in bed.

The lawyer did as he was told. A few minutes later, a lawyer from another firm that served the widow’s family interests came into the bedroom. She instructed him to stand on the other side of her bed.

After 15 to 20 minutes of standing virtually motionless with no further indication of what either man had been called in to do, the first lawyer spoke up, “Mrs. Warbucks, I don’t want to neglect you at a time like this, but I left an important meeting to come here and I really should be getting back.” Pointing at the other lawyer, he continued, “I’m sure he has a busy schedule too. Is there anything you need either of us to do before we go? We’ll be glad to take care of any concerns you have at this time.”

Mrs. Warbucks said, “No. I’m dying and I don’t need anymore legal services. What I want you to do for me now is to stand where you are until I’m gone, because I ‘ve always wanted to die like my Lord did - between two thieves!”

Two college guys take their virgin friend to get him laid for the first time. They go to a whore house and he picks the one he wants.

They go to her room and she asks the gentleman want he would like to do. Not knowing what he would like, he asks for the options.

The lady replies, “Well I can 1) give you a hand job, 2) two we can screw, or 3) we can 69.” The man goes for option three, 69. The lady tells him to go on her and start kissing her genitals.

As the man starts to lick, the young lady cuts a real fart. She apologizes and the man continues.

She then farts again. Before she can say another word, the young man says “Listen lady, I don’t know what this is all about but I don’t think I can take 67 more of those.”

George was sitting at his desk and stressing over the upcoming deadlines when his boss came up to him. Their conversation went as follows:

Boss: “George, when is the last time you took a vacation?”

George: “Sir, I don’t have time for a vacation. There is way too much work to be done.”

Boss: “George, I believe you would be more productive if you took some time to get away from your work and relax for a little bit.”

George: “Sir, really I am okay.”

Boss: “George, I going to insist that you take a vacation. As a matter of fact, I know this great litte fishing hole out in the country. Get yourself a fishing pole, a can of worms, and a six pack of beer. Enjoy the afternoon by the lake.”

George tried to explain to his boss that he really didn’t need a vacation, but his boss wouldn’t take no for an answer. George went home, packed a weekend bag, grabbed a fishing pole form the garage and headed out toward the country following the directions his boss gave him to the fishing hole. Along the way, George saw a little country store and remember he needed to buy some worms, so he stop at the store. Inside the store, he had the following conversation with the store clerk:

Clerk: “Howdy, What can I do you for stranger.”

George: “I just need to get some worms to do some fishing.”

Clerk:”Sure thing, you’ll probably be needing some buttermilk too?”

George:”Buttermilk, why would I need buttermilk?”

Clerk:”Well, the snakes are bad this year.”

George:”So what does buttermilk have do with snakes.”

Clerk: “Well, everyone around these parts knows that buttermilk is the best way to draw out the poison if you ever get bit by a snake.”

George: “Never heard of anything of the sort. Besides I don’t plan on getting bit. I’ll just take the worms.”

George paid for the worms and headed off to the fishing hole. Once there, he put a worm on the hook, tossed his line in the lake, relaxed and drank some beer. After about a six pack of beer, he was starting to feel very relaxed, but had to pee. George got up from his spot and went behind a tree and began peeing. Suddenly George heard what sounded like a rattle, looked down and realized he was peeing on a snake. The snake struck out and bit him on the penis. George began to panic. With his penis in his hand and his pants down about his ankle, he began yelling for help. He then saw a house on the other end of the lake. Still holding his penis, he hobbled all the way to the house with his pants still around his ankles. Once at the house, he began to frantically knock on the door. A liitle old lady answered the door. George and the litte old lady had the following conversation:

George: “Ma’am, I need some buttermilk quick! Please, some buttermilk quick!”

The little old lady went back into the house and came back with a glass of buttermilk. George grabbed the glass and stuck his penis in the glass of buttermilk.

Geroge: “Thank you ma’am, you saved my life.”

Old lady: “Sonny, you know I’ve been buried five husbands, and given birth to eight kids. I swear that is the first damn time I ‘ve ever seen that thing reloaded!”

There was a man whose wife didn’t respond to his desires. This continued for about six months. As frustration built, he decided to see a doctor about his wife’s lack of attention toward him. The doctor gave him a bottle of pills and said, “Now, just before your wife retires, give her a cup of milk and slip a couple of these pills in it. Before you know it, she will be more than obliging.”

So he goes home, very excited! When night comes, he offers his wife a cup of milk and slips in a couple of those pills. He then says to himself, “Now why should she have all the fun?” So he pours himself a cup and puts the whole bottle into his cup. He takes both cups to his wife in bed, and they talk for a bit before drinking the milk.

After a half hour, both fall asleep. Then, his wife suddenly sits straight up in the bed, pounds her husband, and says, “Darling, Darling! Wake up! Wake up! I need a man NOW!”

The husband sits straight up, too, and shouts, “SO DO I! SO DO I!”