Jokes News

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it will always be yours.

If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But…
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or you gave birth to it.

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. “How are you, Grandpa?” he asks.

“Feeling fine,” says the old man.

“What’s the food like?”

“Terrific, wonderful menus.”

“And the nursing?”

“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take good care of me.”

“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”

“No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock, they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet . . . and that’s it. I go out like a light.”

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge. “What are you people doing?” he says. “I’m told you’re giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can’t be true!?”

“Oh, yes,” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”

1. The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”

2. In the beginning God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man has rested.

3. My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

4. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mother-in-laws.

5. Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

6. The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

7. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

8. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

9. Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.”

10. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look beautiful.

10.Do not say what you mean. Ever.

9. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.

8. Play Alanis Morissette’s “You Outta Know,” loud. Look at them. Smile.

7. Look them in the eye and start laughing. (During an intimate moment)

6. Cry.

5. Gather many female friends and dance to “I Will Survive” while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.

4. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone.

3. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they’re wrong.

2. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.

1. Constantly claim you’re fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.

Ok, but men still can’t live without them.

A blonde was sitting at a bar getting drunk. Another blonde who was also quite drunk stumbled up to her and said, “You look familiar. Are you from around here?”

“Why yes,” said the first blonde, “I grew up here.”

“I did too,” said the first blonde, “let’s have a drink to the best town in the world!” Down they pour a drink.

So, the first blonde says, “I guess that means you went to Johnson High School here? I graduated in ‘72.”

“Yes I did,” says the first blonde, “and I also graduated from Johnson High School in ‘72. Let’s have another drink to the best school in the world!”

So down pours yet another drink.

About this time a regular who’s been watching this calls over the bartender and asks, “What the heck is going on with those two blondes?”

The bartender says, “Oh, it’s just the Smith twins, getting drunk again.”

Three nuns died and went to heaven. St. Peter upon seeing them says “You three have been so good that I will allow you to go back as anyone you want.”

The first nun says, “I want to go back as Madonna, that woman has fucked everyone,”

The second nun says, “I want to go back as Linda Lovelace, now there’s a whore!”

The third says, “I want to go back as Alice Kinpipaline!”

St. Peter says, “Sorry sister, there has never existed such a person.”

Upon persistence from the nun, St. Peter reviews all the past 100 years of newspapers he can find and finally exclaims, “No sister, the newspaper said THE ALASKAN PIPEPLINE WAS LAID BY 3000 MEN !!!”

What it is hairy outside, wet inside, starts with the letter “C” and ends with “T”?

[A coconut]

As he was leaving the supermarket, Mr. Denton noticed the sign that said, “Return Empties Here.” So he went back and dropped off his wallet.