Jokes News

One day, there was a blonde in a museum looking at the paintings, when she noticed one that made her speechless, as she stared studying it very closely, she assumed it to be a Picasso, but then a guy knocked her out of the way and starting combing his hair in front of it.

A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from sleep, went to the bathroom and neglected to notice that the seat had been left up. When she sat, she kept going!

She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her.

During this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a certain part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.

Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of over his wife’s exposed privates, his yarmulke skull cap.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took a long look, and commented: “Well, I think I can save your wife, Buddy, but the Rabbi’s a goner.”

Airplanes and women: A comparison

1. An airplane will kill you quickly-a woman takes her time.
2. Airplanes like to do it inverted.
3. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
4. An airplanes thrust to weight is higher.
5. An airplane dosn’t get mad if you “touch and go”.
6. An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.
7. Airplanes come with manuals.
8. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
9. You can fly and airplane at any time of the month.
10. Airplanes don’t have parents.
11. Airplanes don’t care how many other planes you’ve flown.
12. Airplanes don’t whine unless there is something really wrong.
13. When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.
14. Airplanes don’t mind if you look at other airplanes or buy airplane magazines.
15. If your airplane is loose, you can tighten it
16. It’s always okay to use tiedowns on your airplane.

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.”

The priest said: “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”

“So then, why are you telling me?” responded the priest.

“Hell! I’m telling everybody!”

The chicken and the egg were lying in bed. The chicken was lying back, smoking and looking very pleased with himself and the egg was sitting up, arms folded and looking very pissed off.

The egg then says to the chicken:
“Well……I guess we answered THAT question didnt we????”

One day a man named Olaf walks into the office of a headhunter and says, “I WON A DOB!” The headhunter looks up over the top of his glasses and says, “Excuse me?” Once again the man says, “I WON A DOB!”

“Oh,” the headhunter says. “You want a job, I see…what is it you do?”

The man says, “I’m a Diesel Fitter.”

With this the headhunter turns on his laptop and types vigorously to search his computer files in hopes of landing this man a job as a Diesel Fitter. Within a few minutes the headhunter says, “I think I’ve found a job for you … Can you start work first thing Monday? And is $50K starting pay acceptable?”

Olaf begins to jump up and down with excitement and says…”OH BOY, OH BOY! Dis is great news…I’m goin to sen my broder here.” (Out goes the man)

A few days later another man walks into the office of the same headhunter and says…”I WON A DOB!” The headhunter looks up over the top of his glasses and says, “Excuse me?”
Once again the man say “I WON A DOB!”

“Oh,” the headhunter says. “You must be Olaf’s brother. So, you want a job? What is your occupation?”

The man says…”I’m a Crotch Sore”

“A what?” says the headhunter.

“A Crotch Sore,” exclaims the man.

With this the headhunter turns on his laptop and types the words Crotch Sore to search his corporate files. Within a few minutes the headhunter says, “I’m unable to match your title with a job…I’m so sorry.”

The man became extremely agitated and said, “You got my broder a dob and I’m not leavin’ until you get me one…”

With this the headhunter proceeds to explain to the man the skill sets necessary for being a Diesel Fitter…”You have to have 4 years HS experience, 4 years apprenticeship with a certified diesel fitter or equiv. and the…”

The man interrupted by saying…”NO! NO! NO!…My broder and me worked at a hosiery factery; My dob wuz to sore the crotches in da pantyhoses and I wood give dem to my broder who wood put one arm in one leg and the other arm in the other leg…stretch the pantyhose left to right if the pantyhose was good he would say… DIESEL FITTER!”

This is a story we know real well
About a young hooker named Snookery Smell.
Ever since she was twenty the men always knew,
Where to find a cheap trick or a Snookery screw.

They came night and day to her house in wazoo,
For the wonderful feeling of a boping bam boo.
She could move up and down with the greatest of ease,
And she spent lots of time turning tricks on her knees.

But in twenty years time things started to fizz,
Her boom booms where sagging and that hurt her biz.
But if you ask but if you ask an old man in the town of wazoo,
He will say go and get you a snookery screw!

1 Jan. Ad for female stenographer $5.00

2 Jan. Violets for new stenographer $7.50

6 Jan. Week’s salary for stenographer $225.00

9 Jan. Roses for stenographer $25.00

10 Jan. Candy for wife $4.50

12 Jan. Lunch for stenographer $35.00

13 Jan. Week’s salary for stenographer $300.00

16 Jan. Theater tickets for self and stenographer $75.00

19 Jan. Ice cream sode for wife $1.50

20 Jan. Virginia’s salary $375.00

23 Jan. Champagne and dinner for “Ginny” $160.00

25 Jan. Doctor for stupid stenographer $1500.00

25 Jan. Fur coat for wife $6800.00

27 Jan. Ad for male stenographer $5.00

In the hospital a guy was visiting his Grandfather.All of the sudden the Grandfather died.A few days later at the Grandfathers funeral,
the guy said, “He gave me this note before he died.It says ‘Get off my airhose.’”

A little girl comes home one day, exitedly she says “Grandma, Grandma, I know how babies are made.”

Grandma says “tell me child.”

The little girl says “The woman gets with the man and she opens his pants and takes out his thingy and rubs it, and then she puts in her mouth until this stuff comes out and then it goes down in her tummy and that makes a baby!”

Grandma says “No, no child, thats not how you make a baby. That’s how you get Jewelry!”