Jokes News

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, “Mom, guess what! We learned how to make babies today.”

The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully, “That’s interesting. How do you make babies?”

“It’s simple,” replied the little girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”

Every year newspapers run a picture of the president standing next to the Thanksgiving turkey. This year they just had Bill Clinton all by himself.

Two lesbians and two Homosexuals are taking a trip from San Franciso to Canada.Who gets there first? The lesbians because they will be doing 69 while the homosexuals are still packing their shit.

WANTED

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frog
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1, 3 and 5.

Why doesn’t Chelsea Clinton have any brothers or sisters?

Cause Monica swallowed them!

Two Irishmen Patrick (said Paa-truck) and Michael (said My-cal) decided that they wanted to do something for their environment. So they each bought a pig to keep in their neighbouring back yards; the pigs would eat all the food scraps and provide manure for the garden.

After buying the pigs at market both Irishmen were worried that they may get mixed up about whose pig was whose.

Patrick say to Michael, “I tell ya wot Michael, I’ll cut the right ear of my pig off and that way I’ll know which is mine and you’ll know which is yours.”

Michael says, “That’s brilliant, Patrick.”

That night one pig breaks through the dividing fence between yards and the pigs have a terrible fight. The pig without his right ear bites the right ear off the other pig.

Next morning Michael and Patrick are perplexed.

Patrick thinks for a moment and says, “I tell ya wot Michael, I’ll cut the other ear off my pig and then we can tell them apart again.

Michael says, “That’s brilliant, Patrick.”

That night the pigs mingle again and have a terrible fight. The pig without his both ears bites the remaining ear off the other pig.

Next morning Michael and Patrick are even more perplexed.

Patrick now goes for his last resort, “Michael, I’ll just have to cut the tail off my pig to tell them apart.”

Michael says, “That’s brilliant, Patrick.”

Again at night one pig breaks through and the pigs have a terrible fight. The pig without his ears and tail bites the tail off the other pig.

Next morning Michael and Patrick are totally perplexed.

Micahel turns to Patrick and says, “I have an even better idea Patrick”

Patrick.. “Wot’s dat, Michael?”

Michael…”You take the white pig and I’ll take the black pig.”

My toddler and I were shopping, when a heavily-tattooed man strolled by. My daughter’s eyes grew wide as she said, “I bet HIS mommy took away all HIS markers!”

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”

“Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”

The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”

“Yes, says Sam. “I saw him do it.”

Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam, listen, you are an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?”

Sam says, “I can see the moon. How far is that?”

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

“I should be in charge”, said the brain, “because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen”.

“I should be in charge”, said the blood, “because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you’d all waste away”.

“I should be in charge”, said the stomach, “because I process food and give all of you energy”.

“I should be in charge”, said the rectum, “because I’m responsible for waste removal”.

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story? You don’t have to be smart or important to be in charge… just an asshole.

A little girls begins her first day at a new school and the teacher tells her to stand up and tell everyone in the class her name. She stands up, faces the class and says loudly, “Snot Nose Smith!”

“Young lady,” the teacher says impatiently. “This won’t be tolerated in my class, now say you correct name”

“Snot Nose Smith!” She repeats.

“Look here Miss Smith, this is your last chance. Now what is your real name?”

“Snot Nose Smith!”

The teacher finally gets tired of this game and orders her off to the principa’ls office. The little girl heads toward the door then turns around to her brother, “Come on, Fart Face, she ain’t going to believe you either.”