Jokes News

1) What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
“Is ANYTHING all right?”

2) Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
Under the vacuum cleaner.

3) How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
(Sigh) Don’t bother, I’ll sit in the dark, I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.

4) Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Sam’s car, the policeman says, “Did you know your wife fell out of the car 5 miles back?”
Sam replies, “Oh thank God … I’d thought I’d gone deaf!”

5) Short summary of every Jewish Holiday: “They tried to kill us …we won … let’s eat!”

6) A bum walks up to a Jewish mother on the street and says, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replies.

7) What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, “Mom, I’m bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She’s a Native American and her name is Shooting Star.”
“How nice,” says his mother.
“I have an Indian name too,” he says. “It’s ‘Running Water’ and you have to call me that from now on.”
“How nice,” says his mother.
“You have to have an Indian name too, Mom,” he says.
“I already do,” says the mother. “Just call me Sitting Shiva.”

9) A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” says the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
Concerned the son asks, “Why are you so weak?”
“Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days,” she replies.
Shocked, the man responds, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”

10) Jewish view on when life begins:
- Actually, there is no controversy on when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

11) A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play. “Wonderful. What part is it?” she asks. The boy excitedly answers, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.” The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part!”

12) Jewish telegram: “Begin worrying. Details to follow.”

13) 5760 - Year according to Jewish calendar.
4696 - Year according to Chinese calendar.
1064 - Total number of years that Jews went without Chinese food.

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive. — No further testing is planned.

On the Listening Tour, Hillary was pleased and proud that the local sandwich stop in a town she was visiting had named a sandwich after her.

She was somewhat less pleased after she found out what was in it.

“Mostly baloney” said the proprietor.

1) Yo’ mama’s so stupid, she sold her car to buy gas.

2) Yo’ mama’s so stupid she saw a sign at the movies saying “Under 18 not allowed” - so her stupid ass went and got 17 of her friends.

Follow these directions exactly!

Does Bill Gates have a problem we don’t know about??
Or does he actually has a sense of humour..??

1. Open a new document in WORD
2. Type “Unable to follow directions” (without the quotes)
3. Highlight the entire sentence you just typed
4. Click Tools; Thesaurus (or hit shift-F7 to open the thesaurus)and then read out the result…

Q: Why was Tigger leaning over the toilet bowl?

A: He was looking for Pooh!!!

How is marriage like a tornado?

At the beginning there is a lot of blowing and sucking and at the end you lose your house.

A guy goes into a nightclub wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn’t have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the nightclub and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, “Well, OK, I guess you can come in – just don’t start anything.”

Father Christmas, the tooth fairy, the perfect man and the perfect woman in a lift. Someone farts, who is it?

The perfect man because the other three don’t exist.

Two builders were working on the 48th floor of a skyscraper. One turns to the other and says, ” Damn, I gotta take a piss.” The other guy tells him to go ahead. The first guy says,”hell, we’re on the 48th floor. By the time I get to the ground, I’ll have pissed my pants.”

The second guy looks around and spots a plank about twelve feet long, and gets an idea. He tells the first guy, “Hey, listen. I’ll stick about 4 feet of this board out over the edge. When I get on this end, you walk out to the other end and piss. We’re 48 floors up, and all the piss will dissipate before it hits the ground.”

The first guy agreed, so they took their positions. The first guy was relieving himself, when the phone rang. The second guy forgot what he was doing, and walked away to answer the phone.

Later that day, the police were investigating the death of the first man, and were asking the other workers if they had seen anything. No-one saw anything, but one guy said he thought it had something to do with sex. When the police asked him why he thought that, the man explained, “Well, I was working on the 12th floor. All of a sudden, I heard this man yelling. When I looked out the window, I saw this man come falling past.”

Again, the cops asked him why he thought it had something to do with sex. The man said,”Well, like I said, he came flying past the window. But I saw he had his peter in one hand, the other hand was waving around in the air, and he was yelling,’WHERE’D THAT COCKSUCKER GO ! ! !’”