Jokes News

What’s the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde?

You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM NOAH’S ARK

1 Don’t miss the boat.

2 Don’t forget we are all in the same boat.

3 Plan ahead, it wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.

4 Stay fit-when you are 600 years old, someone might just ask you to do something really big.

5 Don’t listen to critics, just get on with what has to be done.

6 For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.

7 Two heads are better than one.

8 Build your future on higher ground.

9 Speed isn’t always an advantage. After all the snails were on the same ark with the cheetas.

10 When you are stressed, float a while.

11 Remember the ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic was built by professionals.

12 Remember that the woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than the storm.

13 No matter what the storm, when God is with you, there’s a rainbow waiting.

So this lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out…caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout.

Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.

The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.

She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.

She speaks to the other bum and says, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing…
Do you think he would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”

The other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

Why did the blonde refuse to have phone sex?

The phone was too big.

0001 AD - Here, eat this root.

1000 AD - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 AD - That prayer is superstition. Here, swallow this potion.

1940 AD - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 AD - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 AD - That antibiotic is dangerous. Here, eat this root!

A woman goes to the doctor one day and the doctor, after examining her pussy, exclaims, “Wow ma’am, you sure have a big pussy!” The embarrased woman goes straight home to see for herself.

She goes up to her bedroom, places a mirror on the floor, takes her clothes off, and spreads her legs above the mirror to check out her pussy.

Just then her husband walks into the room and finds her naked. He asks, “What the hell are you doing?”

The woman quickly begins to dance in place and says, “Oh I’m dancing, I’m dancing!”

The husband responds, “Well, you better be careful you don’t fall into that big hole in the floor !!!”

The Italian virgin Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her: “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.”

“Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother, “All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.”

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony, took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. “Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!”

“Don’t worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you.”

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.”Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!”

“Stay here and stir the pasta,” says the mother. “This is a job for, Mama.”

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

“You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear.” At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man’s anus, and then licks it.

He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.

“The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse’s anus, but I licked my index.”

Q. HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A BLONDE WAS IN YOUR FRIDGE?

A. THERE IS LIPSTICK ON THE PICKLES.

Q: What’s the best way to give your dog a bone?

A: Tickle his balls!