Jokes News

December 14th

Dearest John:
I went to the door today and UPS was here with a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th
Dearest John:
Today, UPS brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves… I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes

December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three French hens! They are just darling but I must insist-you’re just to kind.
Love, Agnes

December 17
Today, UPS delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes

December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today UPS delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly though, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes

December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese were huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes

December 20th
John:
What’s with you and these fucking birds?????? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of goddamn joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I’m a nervous wreck and I can’t sleep all night. IT’S NOT FUNNY!!! So stop with these fucking birds!
Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddamn cows, too. There is shit all over the lawn and I can’t get to my own house. Just lay off me, SMART-ASS
Ag

December 22nd
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And Christ-do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You’ll get yours.
From Ag

December 23rd
You Rotten Prick:
Now there’s ten ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to show cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned. I’m calling the police on you. One who means it.
Ag

December 24th
Listen Fuckhead
What’s with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and afore-mentioned “ladies”? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing beastiality with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead; they were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten swine. Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

December 25th
(From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All future correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanatorium, the attendants have intructions to shoot you on sight. Kindly acknowledge receipt of this letter by signing and returning the enclosed summons for initial hearing on Ms. McCallister’s application for a domestic retraining order and notice of filing of litigation to recover damages.
For the firm,
Roothog N. Dye

Yo mama is like a frying pan, everyone gets to stick their meat in.

The young bride’s mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.

“Never let your husband see you in the nude,” she advised. “You should always wear something.”

“Yes, mother,” replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, “Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?”

“Not that I know of,” she answered. “Why?”

“Well, we’ve been married for two weeks now and every night you’ve worn that silly hat to bed.”

The Lone Ranger and his faithful Indian companion Tonto, found themselves surrounded by hostile Apache braves on the warpath.

“I don’t see any way out, Tonto,” said The Lone Ranger.
“It looks like we’re going to be killed by those Indians.”

Tonto turned to his friend. “What you mean WE, kemo sabe?”

How do Chinese people get their names?

By throwing pots and pans down the stairs! Ching Ping Wang Dong.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pickle with a female deer?

A: A Dill Doe

John and Dan were ridin their horses across a north americian plane and they were sort on cash so they pulled into a Ranch and went up to the owner and asked if they could do some work for some cash.
The farmer said no i dont but i will give you $500 for every Indian you kill but you have to bring thier heads back with you.
So anyway they set off across the plane when they came across an Indian sitting on a stump sharpening his knife.
So John bailed off his horse ran over and hit him over the head with the back of his gun and started sawing his head off.
While John was sawing off his head Dan said to him” stop turn around”.
No said John i have nearlly finished. Just turn around said Dan. “no ” said john im nearlly through.
When he had finished he looked around and there was 150 Indians with bow and arrows powned at them.
Dan said”oh shit”.
And then John said “shit were goin to be rich after were done here.

Saddam Hussein called President Clinton and said: “Bill, I called you because I had this dream last night. I could see all of America and it was beautiful, and on top of every building there was a beautiful banner.”

Clinton asked, “What was on the banner?”

Saddam responded, “It said Alla is God, God is Alla.”

Clinton said: “You know Saddam, I’m really glad you called, because last night I had a dream too.
I could see all of Baghdad and it was even more beautiful than before the war. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was also a beautiful banner.”

Saddam said: “What was on the banner?”

Clinton replied: “I really don’t know… I don’t read Hebrew.”

1. Men are like department stores….
their clothes should always be half off.

2. Men are like vacations….
they never seem to be long enough.

3. Men are like computers…
hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

4. Men are like coolers…
load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

5. Men are like chocolate bars….
sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like coffee….
the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

7. Men are like horoscopes….
they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

8. Men are like plungers…
they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

9. Men are like cement….
after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

10. Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.

11. Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because vibrators don’t mow lawns.

12. Q: What are two reasons men don’t mind their own business?
A: No mind-No business

13. Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are taken and what’s left is handicapped.

14. Q: Why is it hard for a women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

15. Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

16. Q: Why are men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they don’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.

17. Q: Why can’t men get mad cow disease?
A: Because they’re all pigs.

The Dali Lama visits New York, approaches a hot dog stand and says,

“Make me one with everything.”