Jokes News

Two faggots were talking, and one had a pained look on his face.

“What’s the matter, Brucie?” asked the other faggot.

“Oh, I have something stuck up my ass, Markie. Could you check it out for me?”

“OK — bend over.”

So Brucie bends over and Markie sticks his hand up his ass.

“It’s deeper, Markie!”, says Brucie, so Markie sticks his hand in deeper. “It’s -deeper-, Markie!”, so Markie sticks his hand in deeper.

“I feel it!” says Markie, “What is that?”

“It’s *deeper*, Markie!”, says Brucie, so Markie puts his hand in deeper, still.

“Ew!”, says Markie, “It’s wrapped around my wrist! What -is- that?!” He pulls his hand out and looks at it. “It’s a Rolex watch!”, he says, “What are you doing with a Rolex watch up your ass?”

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you……”

Q: What is a blonde girls motto?

A: If at first you don’t succeed, suck some more, you’ll soon suck seed.

Q. What’s the difference between a hunting dog and a gay man?

A. The hunting dog likes to sic a duck!

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller’s name is Patricia Whack. So he says, “Ms. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.”

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against a loan. She asks if he has anything that he can use as collateral. The frog says “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she’ll have to consult with the managerand disappears into a back office. She finds tha manager and says: “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what the heck is this?”

(Are you ready?)

The bank manager looks back at her and says: “Its a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”

Heavyweight boxer James (Quick) Tillis was a cowboy from Oklahoma when he first arrived in Chicago to start his boxing career. He clearly remembers his first day in the Windy City after his arrival from Tulsa.

“I got off the bus with two cardboard suitcases under my arms in downtown Chicago and stopped in front of the Sears Tower,” Tillis said. “I put the suitcases down, and I looked up at the Tower and I said to myself, I’m going to conquer Chicago.”

“When I looked down, the suitcases were gone.”

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.

The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, “What are those for?”

The elderly gentleman replied, “There are two things I can’t stand:
The sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber.”

A man went to confession and told his priest that he said something horrible while golfing and had to confess it.

He said it started when he hit golf ball on what he thought was one of the longest drives ever when it hit a telephone post and fell a hundred yards short, the priest then asked “is that when you said something bad?”, “no” replied the man.

then a squirrel took the ball and ran off, “is that when you cursed”, the priest asked, “no” replied the man

then an eagle grabbed the squirrel, ball and all, and flew off, “is that when?”, “no”

the squirrel then dropped the ball it hit a rock, rolled down, hit a tree and then fell six inches from the hole.

the priest then yelled out ” you missed the FUCKING putt….didnt you?”

Four gays walk into a bar for a drink but there is only one stool. How do they all get a seat?

They flip the stool over!

A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside. A hooker comes along and says to him, “Like to come home with me, buddy?”

“For how much?” asks the man.

“One hundred dollars.”

“I’ll give you five bucks.”

The hooker swears at him and walks away. A little later, the man’s wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. As they round a corner, there stands the same hooker. She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, “You see? You see what you get for five bucks?”

This guy married a girl, and every time they had sex, he couldn’t hold himself long enough to make her happy. So he went to the doctor to see what he could do.

“Try some self stimulation before each go,” he said. “OK doc,” the man said and left for work.

Later that day, the guy got a call from his wife, and she said she would be waiting for him at the door naked.

“Where can I do this?” he said. On the way home he decided he would pull over, crawl under the back of his truck and pretend like he was fixing the rear axle, and do it there. He did just that, closed his eyes and began his therapy.

About five minutes later, he felt a tug on his leg. “Sir, I’m with the police department. What are you doing?”

Without opening his eyes, he said, “I’m fixing my rear axle.”

To which the cop retorted, “Well you’d better check your brakes while you’re down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago.”