Jokes News

A very wealthy man went to an auction to realize he was just in time to bid for the next item, a talking parrot.

This man started the bidding at $1,000. He heard a bid for a total of $5,000, and he finally made a bid for $10,000, which was the final bid.

When he came to pick up the parrot, he asked if it could really talk.

The answer was: “Sure, who do you think was bidding against you?”

A guy brought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-wheel drive vehicles.”

“She did,” he replied. “But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?”

An armless man walks into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He orders a drink, and when he is served, asks the bartender if he will get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliges him. He then asks if the bartender will tip the glass to his lips. The bartender does this until the man finishes his drink. After this, he asks the bartender if he will get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender does this and comments that it must be very difficult not to have arms and to have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man says, “Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?” he inquires.

The bartender quickly replies, “The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.”

A guy meets this beautiful chick in a bar and they really hit it off. So they decide to go back to his place for the evening.

once in his bedroom and things are getting hot she asks him if he likes kinky sex, and he says ok. she tells him to fuck her with his big toe.

suprised to here this the man agrees and she goes wild, one of the best nights of sex he ever had.

after that night he doesn’t see her again, but in a couple of weeks his big toe starts to hurt so the man goes to the doctor to get it looked at. after a few tests the doctor comes back in the room and tells him he has syphilis of the big toe.

the man says that he has never heard of this. the doc said thats nothing last week I had a girl in here with athletes cunt

Have you heard of the new paint Sherwin Williams came up with?

It’s called blonde, not very bright and easy to spread!

Q: Why did Dorothy Gale name her little dog, “Toto”?

A: Because “Finger-Finger,” “Wrist-Wrist,” “Hand-Hand,” and “Leg-Leg” were already taken.

A man from the village and his wife had an argument one day.

She thought that they were not having sex often enough.

“Well”, he said, “I think that three days a week is pretty good.”

“But look at the ox out in the fields,” she replied. “He does it several times a day!”

“Well”, he said, “Look at all the cows he has to choose from.”

A farmer decided it was time to take a wife, so he went to the city and found a woman who agreed to marry him. The only problem was she knew absolutely nothing about farming, and told him that. He told her not to worry, he would handle all the farm things.

One day, a few years later, the Farmer told his wife that the next morning he would have to go to town. He told her that the vet was coming over to breed one of the cows, and she would have to show him which one. She told him she couldn’t tell one cow from the other, so the farmer took her down to the barn. Pointing to one of the cows, he told her that was the one. She said she still wouldn’t remember, so the Farmer took a big nail, and hammered it into the beam above the stall.

The next morning, the Farmer left for town. A few hours later, the vet showed up, and said he was there to breed the cow. The wife led him toward the barn, explaining on the way that she couldn’t tell one cow from the other. Arriving in the barn, she pointed to the nail, and said that is the cow. The vet said that was great, but what was the nail for?

To which the wife replied, ” Damn if I know. Maybe that’s where you’re supposed to hang your pants!”

An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”

The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night.”

Your moma’s so fat,

When she bent over, astronauts looked down from space and thought they discovered a new planet.