Jokes News

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, “I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so.”

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she laughed to herself and thought, “I don’t fucking think so.”

Why do blondes wear tampons w/ extra long cords?

So the crabs can bungee jump, of course!!

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.

As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, “One more remark like that, and I’ll do my best to remember how my great-grandfather told me to scalp people like you.

One day there were 3 blondes who were locked out of their car trying to open it with a hanger.

One blonde tried to use a hanger. It didn’t work.

Another blonde tried the same thing but it didn’t work. Same thing happened to the other blonde.

Then the clouds started to form and the blonde who owned the car said, “Hurry up, it is about to rain and the top is still down.”

A construction worker tells his doctor, “I’m constipated.”

The doctor examines him for a few minutes and says, “Lean over the table.”

After he does so, the doctor whacks him on his ass, with a baseball bat. A loud “CRACK!” is heard, and the doctor sends the man to the bathroom.

After coming out of the bathroom, the construction worker says, “I feel great! What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?”

The doctor says, “Stop wiping your butt with cement bags.”

Three Blondes were sitting on bar stools in a bar and decided to compare the sizes of their vaginas.

The first blonde said, “I can stick a straw up mine.” And did.

The second blond said, “I can stick a beer bottle up mine.” And did.

The third blonde started laughing and slid down to the floor!

Joe and Marion had been married 50 years and were celebrating with a champagne breakfast.

Joe looks across the table at Marion with a gleam in his eye and says “Do you remember what we did at our first breakfast after we were married?”

Marion smiles and says “Well, I think we didn’t even put our nightclothes back on after our honeymoon night. If I remember right, we had breakfast together stark naked.”

“How about we do that right now?” says Joe, and he takes off his pajamas and Marion slips off her nightgown.

Marion gazes across the table at her husband and says “Ya know, Joe, my nipples get as hot lookin’ at you today as they did fifty years ago.”

“I ain’t surprised”, smiles Joe. “You got one in your coffee and one in your oatmeal.”

So, it seems that two nuns were traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield!

“Quick, quick!!” shouts the first nun, “What shall I do?”

“Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination,” shouts the second. She switches them on, knocking the vampire about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly!

“What shall I do now?” shouts the first nun.

“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican!” says the second. The vampire steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.

“Now what?” screams the first nun. “Show him your cross!” says the second.

So the nun rolls down the window and shouts: “GET OFF MY FUCKING HOOD!!”

10..You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they’re all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in a razor-sharp rows.

9..That telltale lemon slice in the dog’s water bowl.

8..On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.

7..You find your pet bunny on the stove in a exquisite tarragon, rose pedal and saffron demi-glace’, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and delicate mint-fennel sauce.

6..The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.

5..You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.

4..No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.

3..Twice this week you’ve been a victim of a drive by doilying.

2..You wake up in the hospital with a concussion… and endive stuffing in every orifice.

..and the NUMBER 1 Sign You’re Being Stalked by Martha Stewart…..

1..You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple…