One day there was three birds sitting on a tree branch trying to figure out which way to fly for winter.

Mommy bird said,”my insticts tell me to fly north for winter”.

Daddy bird said,”my instincts tell me to fly south for winter”.

Baby bird said,”well my end-stinks too, but I still don’t know where to go!”

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “yes you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology” says the balloonist.

“I do” replies the man. How did you know.”

“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

The man below says “you must work in business.”

“I do” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.

The old woman said, “We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.”

“Uh huh,” said the old man.

“We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon,” said the old woman.

“Uh huh,” said the old man.

“And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon,” said the old woman.

“That’s right,” said the old man, “except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, ‘It’s too big, it’s too big!’”

A man walks into an agents office and says “I want to be on TV.”

The agent replies, “Well, what do you do?”

The Man says, “Well, I can’t sing or dance, but I can do this…” He pulls down his pants and starts to whistle ‘Dixie’ out of his Ass.

“THAT’S FANTASTIC!” the agent says, “Hang on a minute,” he picks up the phone and calls one of his agent friends, “Listen to this” he says to his friend excitedly and puts the telephone next to the man’s butt.

He starts to whistle the tune again in perfect rhythm. “What do you think of that?” he asks his co-hort.

“Just sounds like some ASSHOLE whistling Dixie to me!”

Today’s woman puts on wigs, fake eyelashes, false fingernails, sixteen pounds of assorted make-up/shadows/blushes/creams, living bras, various pads that would make a linebacker envious, has implants and assorted other surgeries, then complains that she cannot find a “real” man.