One day a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are driving in the middle of nowhere when their car breaks down.

The brunette says, “We should take the things that we need to survive because we have to walk to the nearest town.” She then picks up some food and says, “We will need this.”

The redhead picks up a bottle of water and says, “We will need this.”

The blonde tries to pull the door off the car. The other two ask, “What are you doing?”

The blonde says, “We will need this because if it rains we can roll the window up.”

Nine months to the day following their wedding, the Coopers had a baby. Unfortunately it was born without arms or legs—without even a torso. It was just a head, still, the Coopers loved and cared for their child, spoiling and indulging it.

Finally after 20 years, the Coopers took a much needed vacation, and whom should they meet but a European doctor who had recently achieved a medical breakthrough. “I know,” he said, “how to attach arms and legs to your child, how to make him whole.”

The Coopers cut their trip short, rushed home and into the room where the head lay in its crib, and said, “Honey Mom and Dad have the most wonderful surprise for you!”

“No,” shrieked the head, “Not another hat!”

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up tp the counter and says, “Hi..You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.” The social worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent! We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffer andbodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escourt her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year.” The guy, wide-eyed, says, “You’re bullshittin’ me!” The social worker says, “Yeah, well…you started it.”

Two flies order in a restaurant :
“I’ll take a shit.”-says first.
“I’ll have a shit with onion”-He says to the other-”Why don’t you have the same? ”
“I don’t want my breath to stink!”

Did you know that Atheism is a NON-PROPHET organization?