Jokes News

One day a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are driving in the middle of nowhere when their car breaks down.

The brunette says, “We should take the things that we need to survive because we have to walk to the nearest town.” She then picks up some food and says, “We will need this.”

The redhead picks up a bottle of water and says, “We will need this.”

The blonde tries to pull the door off the car. The other two ask, “What are you doing?”

The blonde says, “We will need this because if it rains we can roll the window up.”

Nine months to the day following their wedding, the Coopers had a baby. Unfortunately it was born without arms or legs—without even a torso. It was just a head, still, the Coopers loved and cared for their child, spoiling and indulging it.

Finally after 20 years, the Coopers took a much needed vacation, and whom should they meet but a European doctor who had recently achieved a medical breakthrough. “I know,” he said, “how to attach arms and legs to your child, how to make him whole.”

The Coopers cut their trip short, rushed home and into the room where the head lay in its crib, and said, “Honey Mom and Dad have the most wonderful surprise for you!”

“No,” shrieked the head, “Not another hat!”

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up tp the counter and says, “Hi..You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.” The social worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent! We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffer andbodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escourt her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year.” The guy, wide-eyed, says, “You’re bullshittin’ me!” The social worker says, “Yeah, well…you started it.”

Two flies order in a restaurant :
“I’ll take a shit.”-says first.
“I’ll have a shit with onion”-He says to the other-”Why don’t you have the same? ”
“I don’t want my breath to stink!”

Did you know that Atheism is a NON-PROPHET organization?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted!

Bed makers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

When my printer’s type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop, where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably only needed to be cleaned. Since the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me I might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying to do the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business this way?”

“Actually, it’s my boss’ idea,” the employee replied, sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs, if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, “Is this a union house?”

“No, I’m sorry, it isn’t,” said the Madame.

“Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?” he asked.

“The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20.”

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. At the second one, he asked the Madame, “Is this a union house?”

“No, I’m sorry, it isn’t,” said the Madame.

“If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?” he asked again.

“The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20.”

Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the Madame said, “Why yes, this is a union house.”

“And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?” he questioned.

“The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.”

“That’s more like it!” the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. “I’d like her for the night.”

“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the Madame while gesturing to a grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, “But Mary Beth here has seniority.”

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all, no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways…

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would then ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.’”

There is a guy who begins to suffer massive headaches. He goes to the doctor and says, “Hey doc, I´ve got these headaches… can you check it out and tell me what´s going on?”

Doc says, “Sure, come on back in a couple days after we analyze some tests.”

Guy comes back, and the doctor tells him, “We´ve got good news and bad news.”

Guy says, “Let´s hear the bad news.”

Doc sez, “You´ve got a week to live.”

Guy says, “Holy shit, I can´t fucking believe it!! What´s the good news?”

Doc smiles and says, “See that good looking nurse over there?”

Guy says, “Yeah?”

Doc laughs, “I fucked her last night!”