Jokes News

Bill: “There are a few issues we need to discuss.”

Contractor: “Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?”

Bill: “Uh, yeah… the first issue is the living room. We think it’s a little smaller than we anticipated.”

Contractor: “Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date.”

Bill: “We won’t be able to fit all our furniture in there.”

Contractor: “Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker.”

Bill: “Stacker?”

Contractor: “Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch… the chairs on the
table… etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to
use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you’re done.”

Bill: “Uh… I dunno… issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won’t fit. The threads run the wrong way.”

Contractor: “Oh! That’s easy. Those bulbs aren’t plug and play. You’ll have to upgrade to the new bulbs.”

Bill: “And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not
rectangular. How do I fix that?”

Contractor: “Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system.”

Bill: “You’re kidding!?”

Contractor: “Nope. Its the only way.”

Bill: “Well… I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won’t stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don’t work.”

Contractor: “That’s a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures.

“Bill: “And how do I fix that?”

Contractor: “Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work.”

Bill: “That’s the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?”

Contractor: “Hey, if you don’t like it nobody made you buy it.”

Bill: “And when will this be fixed?”

Contractor: “Oh, in your next house — which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we’ve had some delays…”

yo momma so damn dumb she lit a match to see if she blew out all the candles on her birthday cake.

yo momma so damn dumb she tried to change the channel on a T.V. dinner.

yo momma so damn dumb she thought the Last Supper was when Jesus ran out of food stamps.

A police officer in his car sees a driver out in the open turn on a red light. The cop drives up to the car right away, pulls it over and walks to the driver, seeing that it was a foreigner.

“That was a red light over there.”

She replied, “I know, so?”

“Well, in this country, you can’t turn on a red light.”

“But the sign said no right turns on red so I made a left.”

A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman might get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football
game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: Beer.

Pussy can make you see God. Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: Beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian’s Red
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

It’s a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.

There were two prostitutes out riding around looking for clients with a sign in their car that said: “Prostitutes for hire.” They were soon pulled over by a policeman who told them to take the sign down because it was illegal to advertise to prostitute oneself.

“Well, we’ve seen quite a few religious signs. Aren’t they illegal?” asked the one.

“No,” said the cop, “You can advertise your religious beliefs all you want.”

The next time the cop passed them there was a sign in the window which read, “Two angels looking for Peter.”

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.

She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said “This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?”

The pharmacist said “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.” When she returned, she said, “the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.”

WHAT DOES MICHAEL JACSON AND MCDONALDS HAVE IN COMMON?

FORTY YEAR OLD MEAT BETWEEN ELEVEN YEAR OLD BUNS.

Knock Knock?
Who’s there?
Dick!
Dick who?
Dick em up, I’m a tongue-tied wobber

Dan, a college student, is home for summer break. In order to make a few extra bucks he decides that he is going to apply for a part time job at the local K-Mart.

Dan fills out the standard application and is called into the manager’s office. The manager is the typical K-Mart employee — skinny, glasses, pocket protector and K-Mart clothes. Also, he takes a little too much pride in working at K-Mart. He says, “Dan, do you think you have what it takes to work at the Big K?”

Dan laughs to himself, thinking what an asshole! But since it was an interview he responded, “Absolutely.”

The Manager continued, “In order to work here you need to be a salesman and you need to be in touch with the customer, do you think you’ve got those qualities?”

Again, Dan laughs to himself, Is this f**king guy serious? But he says again, “Absolutely!”

“Well, let me show you how it’s done,” says the manager.

The manager leads Dan to a counter and waits for a customer. The first guy to come along drops a 50 pound bag of grass seed on the counter.

The manager says, “That’s a pretty big bag of grass seed ya got there.”

“Yup,” responds the customer.

The manager winks at Dan and says, “Ya think you might need a new lawn mower for that grass you’re putting down?”

Dan actually sees the lightbulb go off over the customer’s head. ” Yeah! That’s a great idea.”

The manager leads him back to the lawn mowers and helps him pick out a really nice model.

“Ya see, Dan, that’s how it’s done. Ya think you can do that?”

“Hell, yeah!” says Dan, “Just watch!!”

Dan steps up to the counter and the next man to come along drops a huge package of tampons onto the counter. Dan looks at the box and then at the embarrassed customer.

“That’s a pretty big box of tampons ya got there,” says Dan.

The embarrassed man looks up feebly and says, “Yup.”

A moment of silence passes and then Dan blurts out, “Would you be interested in buying a new lawn mower?”

The customer looks up from his shoes and responds, “What the hell would I want a lawn mower for?”

Dan winks at his manager and says, “Well, since you won’t be getting laid this weekend I figured you might want to mow your lawn!”