A giant panda walks into a restaurant, sits down at a table, and orders a salad from his waiter.

The panda eats his salad and then takes out a gun and starts shooting all the other customers.

When he’s finished, the waiter asks him, “What are you doing shooting all my other customers??” The panda looks over at him and tells him to look up “giant panda” in the dictionary. The panda then walks out of the restaurant.

Confused, the waiter pulls out a dictionary where he reads that a giant panda “eats shoots and leaves.”

Pirate sayings that can be taken both ways:

Arggghh…

…I swabbed her poop deck.
…I perched on her crows nest.
…it was a tight squeeze as I eased into harbor.
…I let loose me dingy.
…I scraped the barnacles from her porthole.
…I stowed me booty in her galley.
…she raised me mast.
…she walked me plank.
…I drenched her with me Tsunami.
…I spilled me chum all over her poop deck.
…she sprung a leak.
…I ran aground.
…I navigated with me sexton.
…she perched on me crow’s nest.
…I fed the seagulls me chum.
…I battened down her hatches.
…I climbed her rigging.
…with a quick blow from me torpedo she went down.
…she shivered me timbers.
…I yo ho hoed her after a bottle of rum.
…I sprayed her deck with fish oil.
…she billowed me sails.
…my laviathan was no match for her six inch hull.
…she run dry.
…her barnacles scraped me dingy.
…I used me peg-leg to plug the leak.
…”X” marks the spot.
……I filled her galley with dirty seamen.

Once upon a time, there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the female. So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said, “Since we’re in this together, why don’t I move over to your side of the cage!”

The female canary replied, “No thanks!!”

So he went back to his side, but found he could stay there no longer. Once again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked, “I am sorry I was too forward the first time. Why don’t we get to know each other first?”

To which she replied again, “No thanks!”

Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for a bit, then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and stated, “Well, could we at least talk?”

This time she replied, “Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean to you. You see, I just learned that I have a disease called, ‘Chirpies,’ and I hear it is untweetable.”

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment, I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quite sad and looked a bit pale, so I struck up a conversation with him.

“Scared, Lieutenant?” I said.

He replied, “No, just a bit apprehensive.”

I asked, “What’s the difference?”

He replied, “That means I’m scared with a university education.”

Why do nurses at the nursing homes give the old men “Viagra” before bedtime?

So they don’t roll out of bed.