Jokes News

A giant panda walks into a restaurant, sits down at a table, and orders a salad from his waiter.

The panda eats his salad and then takes out a gun and starts shooting all the other customers.

When he’s finished, the waiter asks him, “What are you doing shooting all my other customers??” The panda looks over at him and tells him to look up “giant panda” in the dictionary. The panda then walks out of the restaurant.

Confused, the waiter pulls out a dictionary where he reads that a giant panda “eats shoots and leaves.”

Pirate sayings that can be taken both ways:

Arggghh…

…I swabbed her poop deck.
…I perched on her crows nest.
…it was a tight squeeze as I eased into harbor.
…I let loose me dingy.
…I scraped the barnacles from her porthole.
…I stowed me booty in her galley.
…she raised me mast.
…she walked me plank.
…I drenched her with me Tsunami.
…I spilled me chum all over her poop deck.
…she sprung a leak.
…I ran aground.
…I navigated with me sexton.
…she perched on me crow’s nest.
…I fed the seagulls me chum.
…I battened down her hatches.
…I climbed her rigging.
…with a quick blow from me torpedo she went down.
…she shivered me timbers.
…I yo ho hoed her after a bottle of rum.
…I sprayed her deck with fish oil.
…she billowed me sails.
…my laviathan was no match for her six inch hull.
…she run dry.
…her barnacles scraped me dingy.
…I used me peg-leg to plug the leak.
…”X” marks the spot.
……I filled her galley with dirty seamen.

Once upon a time, there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the female. So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said, “Since we’re in this together, why don’t I move over to your side of the cage!”

The female canary replied, “No thanks!!”

So he went back to his side, but found he could stay there no longer. Once again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked, “I am sorry I was too forward the first time. Why don’t we get to know each other first?”

To which she replied again, “No thanks!”

Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for a bit, then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and stated, “Well, could we at least talk?”

This time she replied, “Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean to you. You see, I just learned that I have a disease called, ‘Chirpies,’ and I hear it is untweetable.”

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment, I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quite sad and looked a bit pale, so I struck up a conversation with him.

“Scared, Lieutenant?” I said.

He replied, “No, just a bit apprehensive.”

I asked, “What’s the difference?”

He replied, “That means I’m scared with a university education.”

Why do nurses at the nursing homes give the old men “Viagra” before bedtime?

So they don’t roll out of bed.

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of
his employees.

“Yes, sir,” the new recruit replied.

“Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on, “because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

Your mamma’s like a race car,
she burns 4 rubbers a day

There once was a woman who had never been married. So on her 38th birthday she decided to get herself a dildo.

(keep in mind the sound a vibrating dildo makes.)(brrr…)

So she used the dildo often until one day when she finally met someone.

They went to her place and they started to get their groove on when he asked her what she wanted him to do.

She replied, “Say something sexy to me.”

And the guy said, “Like what?”

“I dunno, something like ‘burrrrrrrrrrrrrr’.”

Q: Did you here about the new Mike Tyson Computer?
A: It has two bites and no memory.

Collards is green
my dog’s name is Blue
and I’m so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue’s
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass
which excite me in May.
You ain’t got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo’re as satisfy’n as okry
jist a-fry’n in the pan
Yo’re as fragrant as “snuff”
right out of the can.

You have some’a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we’re in a crowd.

On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I’m in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo’re there fer yore man,
to patch up life’s troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo’re as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin overhead.
You ain’t mean like them far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.

Yore complexion, it’s perfection;
like the best vinyl sidin’,
despite all the years,
yore age,it keeps hidin’.

Me’n you’s like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes wtih stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-mart,
it’s romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger,
“That’s impressive,” I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
“Diamonds are forever,”
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won’t do.
Cause yor’e too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds…..
IT’S A NEW TROLL’N MOTOR!!!!!!

Luv, from yor romeo