Jokes News

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, “I’m very angry with the way things are going on earth — this is not what I had in mind! I have accordingly decided to destroy it and start over! In 6 months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water just like before, and all the evil is destroyed; if not, I will wring it out like an old sponge. But rather than start from scratch, I’m still considering saving a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. So I’m ordering you to build an Ark for this purpose.” And with a flash of lightning, He delivered the specs for an Ark.

“Yes Lord!” said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

“Don’t forget!” thundered God’s voice, “In 6 months it starts to rain! You’d better have that Ark built or learn to tread water, indefinitely!”.

Six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was just sitting out in his yard in the rain, weeping. There was no sign of an Ark. “Noah!” shouted the Lord through the thunder and lightning, “Where is my Ark?!”

A sobbing Noah answered, “Lord, please forgive me! I did my best, but there were BIG problems. First I had to get a Building Permit for the Ark, and your plans didn’t meet the code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. You know how that goes.

“Then there was a huge upset about whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building an Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city council!

“Then, I couldn’t get enough wood for the Ark because some earth-sanctifying organizations have instigated a ban on cutting trees in order to save the spotted numbat. I had to convince the Department of Conservation and Land Management that I needed the wood so I could save the numbats; it was the only way out. But then they wouldn’t let me catch any numbats! So, no numbats.

“Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the Industrial Relations Commission before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, but how am I to pay them? And still no numbats!

“When I realized the building of the Ark was stalled, I thought I could at least start gathering up pairs of animals, but I promptly got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted if the threat was real, I had to save ALL the animals, not just one pair of each. I just got that suit dismissed when the EPA notified me I couldn’t use the Ark, without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they have no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being that none of them personally knows to exist.

“Then the Royal Australian Army wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. They returned it with a note that read, ‘As any fool can see, water will NOT adhere to a round globe; it will fall off.’

“Right now, I’m trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I’m supposed to hire. Most of them are involved in some kind of uprising. In the meantime, the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just received a nasty notice from some state agency about owing them some kind of ‘use’ tax.

“I really don’t see any way I can finish your Ark for at least another five years!” Noah wailed. “Dear God, do you have a solution?”

Suddenly, the sky cleared! The sun came out! A rainbow arched across the heavens! Noah looked up and sighed with relief. “You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth after all?”

“No,” replied the Lord, “the government is doing it just fine, without any help from Me.”

A down-on-his-luck artist visits the art gallery where all of his paintings are on display. He sees the art dealer standing in front of the art gallery and accosts the latter, “So how did my paintings do today?”

The art dealer smiles and says, “Well, I got good news and bad news.”

“Well, give me the good news first. I haven’t had such luck these days,” sighs the struggling artist.

“This morning, a gentleman walks in and asks me if it is true that when an artist dies, his paintings will triple in value. I say yes and the gentleman then buys all 20 of your paintings on the spot - no questions asked. He even paid cash up front!”

“Hey, that’s really good news! The best I have heard in years!” shouts the artist joyfully as he does a little jig. He then stops and asks, “What’s the bad news?”

“The gentleman says he’s your doctor.”

The little old man rubs the lamp and the genie appears. The little old man unrolls a map and says “see this map? It’s the Middle East. My wish is that all the people in all the countries on this map could live in peace forever.”

The genie says, “No way can I do that. It’s too much for me. You got another wish?”

The little old man says, “Well, in that case maybe you could fix it so my wife Sadie maybe once in a while she could give me a blow job.”

The genie says, “Lemme see that map again.”

Due to increasing products liability, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all alcoholic drink containers:

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species, and/or name you can’t remember)

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable carpet burns on the forehead.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

One day a man was out dynamite fishing, and on the shore was the game warden watching him.

The warden waited till the fisher came back to shore for a break, and asked the man, “Would you like to go back out fishing tonight?”

“Sure,” the man replied and after an hour or so the two went back out together.

The fisherman lights a stick of dynamite, throws it out it to the water and immediately after, the warden said, “I’m the game warden. You are under arrest for dynamite fishing.”

The man calmly lights a stick of dynamite, hands it to the warden, and says, “You gonna fish or what!?!”

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife–Cold as Ever!’”

“Yeah? Well, when you die, I’m getting YOU a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband–Stiff at Last!’”

One fine summer day three newfies decided to move to Alberta and find work. The first place they stopped at was Alberta Power and applied for labourer positions. The foreman for Alberta Power asked them if they had ever planted power line poles before to which they replied, “No bye, but we’s be fast learners and quick too.”

So the foreman said, “Alright, show up tomorrow morning and I’ll give you a try.”

The next morning the three newfies showed up at Alberta Power bright and early. The foreman took them out in the country where a bunch of new poles had to be set up, and told them, “I want you three newfies to go down this road and put these poles in, any questions?”

“No bye, us fellers got the idea, we’s be gettin’ right too it.”

Well the foreman came back at the end of the day and asked the three newfies how they had done.

“Bye, we got fifteen of dem’ poles in today.”

The foreman gives them a funny look at them and says, “My regular crew of three Albertans average putting in forty poles a day. What were you doing that you couldn’t even get half of them done?”

“Well bye we’s got good explanation for that. You should see how much of those poles dem fellers left stickin’ out.”

knock,knock

who’s there?

“madam”

madam who?

madam foot got stuck under the door…

One of the funniest “most-embarrassing-moment” stories I’ve come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store.

When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: “PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.”

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word “tampax” for TACKS.” In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: “DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?”