Jokes News

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, “I was cleaning in Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines.”

“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.

“Well, of course I threw them in the trash.”

The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!”

“Oh my!” gasped the other nuns.

“What did you do?” they asked.

“I poked holes in all of them!” she replied.

The third nun fainted.

Two bums are walking toward each other beside a railroad track.

The first bum says “Hey Bill, how are you doing?” Bill answers “Frank I’m doing great, I just found a twenty dollar bill and I’m going to get me a good bottle of M/D 20-20.”

Frank says “how are you doing Bill?” Bill says “Man its going great, I found a naked woman back there and got my first piece of ass in a long time.” Frank goes “Wow did you get a blow job?” Bill answers “Nope, never did find her head.”

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

One day she floored her grandmother by asking, “Grandmother, which virgin was the mother of Jesus? Was it the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”

A man stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for his wife.

As the clerk was putting on the finishing touches on bouquet, another man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

“I’m sorry,” the clerk said. “This man just ordered our last bunch.”

The desperate customer turned to the other man and begged, “May I please have those roses?”

“What happened?” the first man asked. “Did you forget your wedding anniversary?”

“It’s worse than that,” confided the second man, “I crashed
my wife’s computer hard drive.”

The manager of a large office noticed a new employee one day and told him to come into his office. “What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

“Al,” the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is Al Darling.”

“Okay, Al, the next thing I want to tell you is…”

A doctor pulls his Mercedes into his local Shell station, fills up and goes inside to sign his charge ticket.

As he’s signing, the attendant looks down and says, “Hey doc, you can’t sign the bill with that, it looks like a rectal thermometer!”

The doc looks in his hand and says, “Oh shit, some asshole must have my pen.”

WOMEN ONLY NEED 4 ANIMALS IN THEIR LIFE……
(1)A MINK ON THEIR SHOULDERS
(2)A RABBIT ON THEIR BACK
(3)A JAG IN THEIR DRIVEWAY
(4)AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST……
A JACKASS TO PAY FOR IT ALL

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

Q:How do you make a kleenex dance?
A:Put a little boogie in it.

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea.

Noting the pirate’s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies, “We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin’ me out a school of sharks appeared and one of ‘em bit me leg off”.

“Blimey!” said the seaman. “What about the hook”?

“Ahhhh…” mused the pirate, “We were boardin’ a trader ship, pistols blastin’ and swords swingin’ this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off.”

“Zounds!” remarked the seaman. “And how came ye by the eye patch?”

“A seagull droppin’ fell into me eye” answered the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.

“Well…” said the pirate, “..it was me first day with the hook..”