Jokes News

One day a little boy asks his father, “Dad what does a vagina look like before sex?”

“Well,” his father responds, “Have you ever seen what a nice petite pink rose looks like?”

The little boy replies, “Well yes I have actually, so what does a vagina look like after sex?”

The father thinks for a bit and finally says, “Have you ever seen a bulldog eat mayonaise!”

One night there were two guys sitting around a fire. One guy turns around and says, “Do you want a beer?”

The other guy replies, “No, better not. Last time I got drunk, I blew chunks”.

So they’re still sitting around and about an hour later, the first guy is just wasted. He asked again, “Are you sure you don’t want a beer?”

The second guy says “No, last time I blew chunks.”

The first guy said, “Don’t be a nerd, just do it.”

The second guy goes “Man, you don’t understand. ‘Chunks’ is my dog!”

A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell.

Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Adam Smith, looking bored. “What’s it like in there?” asked Dave.

“Well,” replied Adam, “In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives.”

“That’s terrible!” gasped Dave. “I’m going to check out Communist Hell before I decide.” In Communist Hell he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon.

Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell was like.

“In Communist Hell,” said Marx impatiently, “they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives.”

“But…but that’s the same as Capitalist Hell!” protested Dave.

“True,” sighed Marx, “but sometimes we don’t have oil, sometimes we don’t have knives…”

A little boy came into the kitchen where his mother was cleaning the dishes.

He tugged at his mother’s skirt and said “Mom, can I ask you a question?”

His mother turned to look at him and saw him standing there with his hands cupped together .

“Sure honey, go ahead.”

He looked at his hands and said, “Are there boy grasshoper’s?”

“Yes, honey.” she replied. The little boy looked in his hands again and said,

“Are there girl grasshoper’s?” She thought to herself Oh, no he’s too young, ” Uh, no honey.”

The little boy clapped his hands together tight and said, “FAGS!!”

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mother’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and saying, “I need a man, I need a man.”

Over the next couple of months he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her room he saw a naked man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed and started stroking himself and began moaning, “Ohhhhh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”

Tarzan and Jane were lying in bed early one Sunday morning. Gently, Tarzan rolled over towards Jane and started to give her a playful shoulder massage. “Oh Tarzan”, she said… “Not now dear. I’m still sleepy, and besides, I’m hungry Why don’t you go out and find us something for breakfast.”

Tarzan grudgingly slipped on his loin cloth, stretched his muscular torso, and grabbed the first vine, heading off into the jungle. The sun was shining and all the animals of his kingdom were up and about. Tarzan stopped to talk to the zebras, play with the elephants, and take a swim in the river. He was enjoying the clear jungle morning, and the animals were enjoying his company.

Before long , Tarzan realized he had lost track of time. Jane would be waiting for breakfast, and probably upset that he was not back. He grabbed a vine and started swinging towards his tree top home, looking for something suitable for a breakfast meal. He saw too golden birds fluttering above him, and with a Tarzan-like move he swung around, switched vines, and swooped down on the two golden birds, breaking their necks cleanly and slipping them into his loin cloth. Continuing on his journey home he saw a small chimpanzee loitering on a tree limb. Quickly and silently he grabbed the ape, killed him with a single blow, and slung him over his shoulder (sorry, Cheetah!)

Arriving home, Jane was up, in the kitchen, setting the table. Tarzan proudly slung the chimpanzee onto the kitchen table, and removed the two golden birds from his loin cloth. Taking out his knife, Jane turned, looked at Tarzan and the feast on the table and said….”Oh Tarzan, not Finch and Chimps again”

Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography website
will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the letter. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send “his” email to $1000? How fucking stupid are you? Ooooh, lookyhere! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by every Victoria’s Secret model in the catalog! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it’ll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Fuck them. If you’re going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the “send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some “omniscient being” forwards about 90 times. I don’t fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it’s your own unpopularity.

THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF LETTERS:

>Chain Letter Type 1: >
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>> >>>>>>>>> >>>>>>Make a wish!!!
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>> >>>>>>>>> >>>>>>Really, go on and make one!!!
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>> >>>>>>>>Oh please, they’ll never go out with you!!!
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>> >>>>>>>>> >>>>>>Wish something else!!!
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Wasn’t that fun? Hope you made a great wish.:) Now, to make you feel guilty, here’s what I’ll do. First of all, if you don’t send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It’s true! Because, THIS letter isn’t like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!
Really!!! Here’s how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

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Chain Letter Type 2

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy’s life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from klaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all bull. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5
people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.

Thanks again!!

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Chain Letter Type 3

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works.
Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

Queer Horror Story #1

Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on
Saturday. She had recently recieved this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

Queer Horror Story #2

Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car
and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and was cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You!!! Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.
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Chain Letter Type 4:
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.

Friends

A friend is someone who is always at your side,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like poop,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you’re disgustingly ugly,
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you’ve soiled yourself,
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you
cry about your loser life,
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs,
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn’t speak much English… no sorry that’s the cleaning lady,
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don’t, you’ll be eaten by wild mutts.
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There. Now that we’ve covered and dumped on the four main types of chain letters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity, send it on!!! If you don’t think it was funny at all, don’t bother, but otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don’t, I don’t care, but why not show this around? Take two minutes, forward it. Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it. If it’s a joke or something, send it, sure, but if it’s gonna make people feel guilty (i.e. the willieless boy from aliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of $#!t) just delete it. Do yourself and everyone else in the world a favor and say, “#$@%CHAIN LETTERS!!”

At a fund raising activity a few years ago in Houston, I met a young man who informed me that he was attending “Texas P&M University”. I asked him why he called it that, instead of “Texas A&M University.” He explained, “I’m taking night courses.”

Your Mamma’s so dumb she sent your little brother to rehab because he was Hooked on Phonics.

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.

“I suppose you’re going to tell me now that you’re waiting for ‘Mr. Right’,” he said dejectedly.

“That’s a silly old romantic notion,” laughed the coed. “I’m just waiting for Mr. Big.”