Jokes News

At Frederick’s of Hollywood a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find.

“This is $200,” says the saleswoman, showing him an item.
“I want one that’s more sheer,” says he.
“This one is $350.”
“Sheerer than that.”
“This is the sheerest we have. It’s $500.”
“I’ll take it!” he replies.

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, “Go put this on and come down to model it for me.”

She goes upstairs and opens the box. Seeing the price tag, she thinks, “This thing is so see-through that the old coot won’t even notice if I’m wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won’t know the difference.” So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.

“So, how do you like it?” she asks.

He looks at her a moment and says, “Well, you’d think for $500 they’d iron the thing.”

Jim has three girlfriends, but he doesn’t know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000.00 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells Jim, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because, Jim, I love you so much.”

The third one takes the $5,000.00 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000.00 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, “Jim, I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”

So Jim thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

An elderly lady was concerned about her husband’s hearing. It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn’t respond. The lady went to the doctor to ask his advice.

The doctor said to her, “When you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move closer toward him until he responds to your question, so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he can finally hear you.”

She thought this sounded like a great idea. So when she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”

There was no response. She moved 10 feet closer and yelled it again.

“Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”

Still no response. She moved another 15 feet closer and was now practically face to face with her husband. She yelled ever louder this time.

“HERBERT, WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR DINNER?!!”

Herbert yells back at her, “For the THIRD time, I want chicken!!!”

Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case.
Coincidence?
I think not!

Last words spoken at the Last Supper:
“Everyone who wants to be in the picture, get on this side of the table.”

Why are there so many Smiths and Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean your mother.

Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic?”

Did you know that half of all people are below average?

If I could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, I’d choose the one who’s living.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. Now you know why they call it a workstation.

Chicken coops have two doors because if they had four doors they’d be chicken sedans.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.

Know what’s brown and sticky?
A stick.

If you cross a pit bull with a collie, you get a dog that rips your leg off and then runs for help.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is definitely not for you.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why is it called a building when it’s already been built?

Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body. But luckily that man is gay, so no one seems to notice.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Can an elephant jump higher than a lamppost?
Yes, lampposts can’t jump.

How do you make an elephant fly?
First, you start with a 48 inch zipper….

your mamma is so stupid she put your brother in rehab because he was hooked on phonics

In the washroom of his club, British publisher and politician Lord William Beaverbrook happened to meet Edward Heath, then a young Member of Parliament, about whom he had printed a rather insulting editorial a few days earlier.

Embarrassed by the encounter, Beaverbrook said, “My dear chap, I’ve been thinking it over, and I was wrong. Here and now, I wish to apologize.”

“Very well,” grunted Heath. “But next time, I wish you’d insult me in the washroom and apologize in your newspaper.”

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.
ACTORS do it on cue.
ADVERTISERS use the “new, improved” method.
AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.
ARCHAEOLOGISTS like it old.
ARCHITECTS have great plans.
ARTISTS are exhibitionists.
ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.
ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.
ATTORNEYS make better motions.
AUDITORS like to examine figures.
BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.
BAILIFFS always come to order.
BAKERS knead it daily.
BAND MEMBERS play all night.
BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.
BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.
BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.
BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.
BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.
BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.
BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.
BEER DRINKERS get more head.
BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.
BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.
BOSSES delegate the task to others.
BOWLERS have bigger balls.
BRICKLAYERS lay all day.
BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.
BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.
BUTCHERS have better meat.
CB’ers do it on the air.
CAMPERS do it in a tent.
CARPENTERS hammer it harder.
CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.
CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.
CHEMISTS like to experiment.
CHESSPLAYERS check their mates.
CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.
CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.
CLOWNS do it for laughs.
COACHES whistle while they work.
COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.
COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.
COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can’t stop.
COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.
CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.
COPS have bigger guns.
COWBOYS handle anything horny.
COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.
CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.
CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.
DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.
DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.
DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.
DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.
DENTISTS do it in your mouth.
DETECTIVES do it under cover.
DIETICIANS eat better.
DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.
DIVERS do it deeper.
DOCTORS do it with patience.
DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.
DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.
DRYWALLERS are better bangers.
ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.
ENGINEERS charge by the hour.
EXECUTIVES have large staffs.
FARMERS spread it around.
FIREMEN are always in heat.
FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.
FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.
FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.
FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.
GARBAGEMEN come once a week.
GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.
GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.
GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.
GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.
GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.
HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.
HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.
HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.
HANDYMEN like good screws.
HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.
HUNTERS do it with a bang.
INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.
INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.
INVENTORS find a way.
JANITORS clean up afterwards.
JEWELERS mount real gems.
JOGGERS do it on the run.
LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.
LAWYERS do it in their briefs.
LIBRARIANS do it quietly.
LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.
LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.
MACHINISTS make the best screws.
MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.
MAINTENANCE MEN sweep ‘em off their feet.
MANAGERS supervise others.
MARKETING REPs do it on commission.
MILKMEN deliver twice a week.
MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.
MINERS sink deeper shafts.
MINISTERS do it on Sundays.
MISSILEMEN have better thrust.
MODELS do it in any position.
MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.
MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.
MOVIE STARS do it on film.
MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.
NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.
NURSES call the shots.
OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.
OPERATORS do it person-to-person.
OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.
PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.
PARAMEDICS do it to those in need.
PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.
PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.
PILOTS keep it up longer.
PLUMBERS do it under the sink.
POLICEMEN like big busts.
POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.
POSTMEN come slower.
PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.
PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.
PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.
PROFESSORS do it by the book.
RACERS like to come in first.
RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall.
RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.
REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.
RECYCLERS use it again.
REPAIRMEN can fix anything.
REPORTERS do it daily.
RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.
RETAILERS move their merchandise.
ROOFERS do it on top.
RUNNERS get into more pants.
SAILORS like to be blown.
SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.
SCIENTISTS discovered it.
SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.
SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.
SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.
SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.
SPELUNKERS do it underground.
SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.
STEWARDESSES do it in the air.
STUDENTS use their heads.
SURGEONS are smooth operators.
TAILORS make it fit.
TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.
TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.
TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.
TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.
TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.
TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.
TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.
TYPISTS do it in triplicate.
VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.
VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.
WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.
WATER SKIERS come down harder.
WELDERS have hotter rods.
WRESTLERS know the best holds.WRITERS have novel ways.

There are a lot of folks that can’t understand how we are running out of oil here in the USA.

Well, here is the answer: It’s simple…notbody bothered to check the oil. Didn’t know we were getting low. And, of course, the reason for that is geographical. Most of the oil is in Texas, Louisiana, and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.