At Frederick’s of Hollywood a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find.

“This is $200,” says the saleswoman, showing him an item.
“I want one that’s more sheer,” says he.
“This one is $350.”
“Sheerer than that.”
“This is the sheerest we have. It’s $500.”
“I’ll take it!” he replies.

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, “Go put this on and come down to model it for me.”

She goes upstairs and opens the box. Seeing the price tag, she thinks, “This thing is so see-through that the old coot won’t even notice if I’m wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won’t know the difference.” So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.

“So, how do you like it?” she asks.

He looks at her a moment and says, “Well, you’d think for $500 they’d iron the thing.”

Jim has three girlfriends, but he doesn’t know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000.00 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells Jim, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because, Jim, I love you so much.”

The third one takes the $5,000.00 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000.00 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, “Jim, I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”

So Jim thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

An elderly lady was concerned about her husband’s hearing. It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn’t respond. The lady went to the doctor to ask his advice.

The doctor said to her, “When you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move closer toward him until he responds to your question, so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he can finally hear you.”

She thought this sounded like a great idea. So when she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”

There was no response. She moved 10 feet closer and yelled it again.

“Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”

Still no response. She moved another 15 feet closer and was now practically face to face with her husband. She yelled ever louder this time.

“HERBERT, WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR DINNER?!!”

Herbert yells back at her, “For the THIRD time, I want chicken!!!”

Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case.
Coincidence?
I think not!

Last words spoken at the Last Supper:
“Everyone who wants to be in the picture, get on this side of the table.”

Why are there so many Smiths and Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean your mother.

Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic?”

Did you know that half of all people are below average?

If I could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, I’d choose the one who’s living.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. Now you know why they call it a workstation.

Chicken coops have two doors because if they had four doors they’d be chicken sedans.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.

Know what’s brown and sticky?
A stick.

If you cross a pit bull with a collie, you get a dog that rips your leg off and then runs for help.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is definitely not for you.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why is it called a building when it’s already been built?

Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body. But luckily that man is gay, so no one seems to notice.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Can an elephant jump higher than a lamppost?
Yes, lampposts can’t jump.

How do you make an elephant fly?
First, you start with a 48 inch zipper….

your mamma is so stupid she put your brother in rehab because he was hooked on phonics