Jokes News

Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony.

When it was over, she asked her mother, “Why did the lady change her mind?”

Her mother replied, “What do you mean?”

“Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another one.”

q: What’s the difference between a hog and a man?

a: A hog does not have to sit in a bar all night buying drinks just so he can go home and screw a pig.

If Ann Landers was a man….

Dear Ann:

Q: My husband-to-be still yearns for his old girlfriends. I’m afraid he will not be faithful.

A: A man’s capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it on the Internet. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love and we have no time to talk.

A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband’s efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.

A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the ‘effort’ the more he loves you. Return this love by buying him a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should — he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don’t mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don’t forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

A. Slow down and use a lubricant

Two guys go on a camping trip up into the mountains, and they have a wonderful time. By about the fourth day, however, they’ve run out of things to talk about and are starting to get on each others nerves. So on the fourth
night, as they’re having dinner, one of the guys makes a suggestion to his friend.

“Look, we’ve been having a pretty good time up here,
but let’s face it…after four days together we’ve run out of things to talk about.”

He then suggests to his friend that tomorrow they
should seperate for the day and hike off in opposite
directions. That way, when they returned to camp tomorrow night, they could tell each other of what they’d seen and done that day and it would give them something new to discuss.

So the next morning they both get up early, pack enough supplies to last for the day, and go off in opposite directions.

The first guy travels north, farther into the mountains. After several hours of stumbling through dense trees he discovers a beautiful little clearing. There is a pond with deer drinking at it. There are hawks soaring over head. Butterflys are dancing on the flowers. All in all, it is like heaven on earth! So he has an incredible day, swimming in the pond, eating his lunch under a tree, feeding the animals right out of his hand, and generally experiencing the most peaceful place on earth that he’d ever seen.

Later when he returns to camp, he arrives to see his buddy is already there ahead of him and has supper ready.

As they eat their meal, his friend asks him how his day went. “Fantastic!” he replies. He describes the beautiful spot that he had discovered, the pond that he swam in, the animals that ate from his hand, the hawks that soared overhead, etc.

His friend agrees that it sounded very beautiful indeed.

“So tell me about YOUR day now”, he prompted.

“Well”, began his friend, “I went south for a few miles until I came to some train tracks. So I decided to follow those train tracks for a while and see where they lead me. I must have walked about an hour, when I suddenly saw this woman tied to the tracks! So I ran over, cut the ropes with my camping knife, gently picked her up and carried her to the tall grass beside the tracks, and for the next two hours we had sex in every position that you could imagine! By the end of it, I could hardly stand, let alone walk.”

By this point the first guy is wide-eyed with amazement.

“Wow, that’s incredible! It sounds like you had an even BETTER day than I did. So…did you get a blow job too?” he asked.

“Nahh,” replied his friend. “I couldn’t find her head.”

Two guys were talking about Bill Clinton’s impending impeachment vote, by the full US Congress.

The first one remarked, “I don’t feel that he should be kicked out of office, for doing what 41% of all American males do.”

“You mean that 41% of all American males cheat on their women?” said the second.

“No,” replied the first, “I mean that 41% of all American males have received a blow job from Monica Lewinsky.

Once there was a little boy who was always getting in trouble. One day he can home from school and his mom kept asking him where the kittens were at. “I don’t know said the little boy”. “Well, you go out and find them and I don’t want you to come home until you do,” said the mother. Late that night the little boy showed up with 5 kittens. The mother was mad because none of the kittens were theirs, but she decided to let it go and they kept the kittens.

Well, when the boy grew up and became of age, his mother had became very disappointed with him, he had never had good luck with relationships and had already gotten 3 girls pregnant. When his mother sat down and talked to him about why he hadn’t waited for that one special girl he said,”remember that one night when I was younger, you taught me to stay out all night looking for pussy.”

It was siesta time in the sleepy Mexican village. Pedro reclined on the sidewalk while his favorite ass, Pablo, stood nearby. An American tourist wandered by, stopped to click a few photos of Pedro and Pablo, then in jest, asked Pedro if he knew what time it was.

Pedro looked up at him, quietly reached over, hefted Pablo’s huge nuts, squinted at them, said “Two-fifteen, senor,” then went back to his siesta. When the tourist checked his watch, it said 2:15! Amazed by this, the tourist took a few photos of Pablo’s nuts, then left.

He told all the people on the tour bus about the man who could tell the time by lifting his asses’ nuts. Of course they didn’t believe it so they had to come see.

Ten minutes later there was a crowd of incredulous American tourists around Pedro. One obnoxious tour member asked Pedro, “Say fella, my friend says you can tell the time by lifting this here asses’ nuts. So, what time is it?” Pedro calmly reached over, hefted Pablo’s nuts, squinted a bit, then said “Two twenty five.” They all looked at their watches and sure enough, it was 2:25!

Then the bidding began for Pablo, the Wonder Ass. When it had reached one thousand twenty five dollars, Pedro accepted, took the money, handed Pablo over to the obnoxious tourist who wanted to know how this incredible time-telling asso worked. Pablo was happy to comply.

“Senor, please seet here.”
“OK.”
“Now, reech over and leeft the nuts.”
“Alright fella, but I still don’t know the time”
“Senor, bend down a leettle bit.”
“What for?”
“Just a little more senor.”
“What’s the deal here, buddy?”
“Now look carefully, senor.”
The tourist gazed intently at Pablo’s nuts.
“I don’t see a thing.”
“But senor is looking in the wrong place. See the clock tower behind the nuts?”

Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, “Why’d you do that?”

The trooper says, “You’re in Alabama, son. When I pull you over, you’ll have your license and registration ready.”
The driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”

The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license and registration, and he comes up clean. He gives the guy his license and registration back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down and the trooper smacks him in the head with the nightstick.

The passenger says, “What’d you do that for?”

The cop says, “Just making your wishes come true.”

The passenger, baffled, says, “Huh?”

The cop replies, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say, ‘I wish that dickhead would’ve tried that shit with me.’”

I think Santa Claus is a woman….

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it’s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden. On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating, musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man:

* Men can’t pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened… having to be seen with all those elves.
* Men don’t answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
* Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
* Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men….
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. However, as long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole’s version of “The Christmas Song”, it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.