Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony.

When it was over, she asked her mother, “Why did the lady change her mind?”

Her mother replied, “What do you mean?”

“Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another one.”

q: What’s the difference between a hog and a man?

a: A hog does not have to sit in a bar all night buying drinks just so he can go home and screw a pig.

If Ann Landers was a man….

Dear Ann:

Q: My husband-to-be still yearns for his old girlfriends. I’m afraid he will not be faithful.

A: A man’s capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it on the Internet. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love and we have no time to talk.

A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband’s efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.

A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the ‘effort’ the more he loves you. Return this love by buying him a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should — he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don’t mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don’t forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

A. Slow down and use a lubricant

Two guys go on a camping trip up into the mountains, and they have a wonderful time. By about the fourth day, however, they’ve run out of things to talk about and are starting to get on each others nerves. So on the fourth
night, as they’re having dinner, one of the guys makes a suggestion to his friend.

“Look, we’ve been having a pretty good time up here,
but let’s face it…after four days together we’ve run out of things to talk about.”

He then suggests to his friend that tomorrow they
should seperate for the day and hike off in opposite
directions. That way, when they returned to camp tomorrow night, they could tell each other of what they’d seen and done that day and it would give them something new to discuss.

So the next morning they both get up early, pack enough supplies to last for the day, and go off in opposite directions.

The first guy travels north, farther into the mountains. After several hours of stumbling through dense trees he discovers a beautiful little clearing. There is a pond with deer drinking at it. There are hawks soaring over head. Butterflys are dancing on the flowers. All in all, it is like heaven on earth! So he has an incredible day, swimming in the pond, eating his lunch under a tree, feeding the animals right out of his hand, and generally experiencing the most peaceful place on earth that he’d ever seen.

Later when he returns to camp, he arrives to see his buddy is already there ahead of him and has supper ready.

As they eat their meal, his friend asks him how his day went. “Fantastic!” he replies. He describes the beautiful spot that he had discovered, the pond that he swam in, the animals that ate from his hand, the hawks that soared overhead, etc.

His friend agrees that it sounded very beautiful indeed.

“So tell me about YOUR day now”, he prompted.

“Well”, began his friend, “I went south for a few miles until I came to some train tracks. So I decided to follow those train tracks for a while and see where they lead me. I must have walked about an hour, when I suddenly saw this woman tied to the tracks! So I ran over, cut the ropes with my camping knife, gently picked her up and carried her to the tall grass beside the tracks, and for the next two hours we had sex in every position that you could imagine! By the end of it, I could hardly stand, let alone walk.”

By this point the first guy is wide-eyed with amazement.

“Wow, that’s incredible! It sounds like you had an even BETTER day than I did. So…did you get a blow job too?” he asked.

“Nahh,” replied his friend. “I couldn’t find her head.”