Jokes News

A young girl about 12 walked into a barber shop eating a chocolate chip cookie.

“Is that a good cookie?” asked the barber when she sat down to cut her hair. “Oh, yes,” said the girl.

“Would you mind putting it down while I cut your hair?” asked the barber. “I’d rather not,” retorted the girl.

“OK,” said the barber. The barber started cutting her hair and soon some of the hair started to fall on the cookie.

“You know, you’re getting hair on your cookie,” said the barber.

“I know, and I’m growing breasts too!”

The peace talks are in progress.

Saddam invites Bill over to Bagdahd to talk. Halfway through the talks, Saddam presses a small red button on his chair. Suddenley, a boxing glove flies through the air and hits Bill right on the nose.

“Ah Crap!” whines Bill “Why d’ya do that?”

Saddam just laughs. After about 10 more minutes of the peace talks, Saddam pushes another small red button on his chair. From underneath the table, a big boot comes out and kicks Bill right in the nuts.

“Goddamit! What was that for?” says Bill.

Again, Saddam laughs and they carry on with the talks. After yet another 10 minutes, Saddam pushes another button on his chair, and Bill is given a rather hefty electric shock.

“That’s it,” says Bill “I’m going back to Washington”

A couple of weeks later, Saddam gets a letter inviting him over to the White House. He accepts, and flies over. They start the talks and everything is going smoothly, when suddenly Bill pushes a small red button on his chair. Saddam, expecting something to come flying out from under the table, flinches, but yet nothing happens. Bill, sitting behind his desk, chuckles, and the talks resume.

After about 10 minutes Bill pushes another small red button on his chair, and again Saddam flinches, but yet still nothing happens. Saddam, now a bit pissed off, offers to resume the talks, and the talks resume.

After another 10 minutes, Bill pushes yet another small red button on his chair. Saddam ducks, expecting a flying boxing glove or an electric shock.

Nothing happens.

Saddam, enraged, yells “Thats it! I’m going back to Bagdahd!”.

Bill chuckles and calmly says: “Bagdahd? What Bagdahd?”

To share to whom it may concern:

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an eight-year-old again. I want to go to McDonald’s and think that its a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day. I want to return to a time when life was simple.

When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn’t bother you, because you didn’t know what you didn’t know nad you didn’t care.

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to live simple again.

I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So…here’s my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements.

I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch me first, cause, “Tag! - You’re it.”

Signed,
An Adult

What does monica lewensky and a vending machine have in common?

They both say insert bill here.

One day, a man knocked on the door of a house of prostitution and asked for a specific girl. “I must see Helga”, he said.

The madam told him that she was the most expensive of the girls, a thousand dollars an hour.

The man said that was fine and showed the madam that he had the money. He went upstairs and had sex with her for the hour. At the end of the hour, he got dressed, laid the money on the bed and left.

The next day, the same thing happens. He shows up and requests Helga again. He goes upstairs and spends the next hour with her, leaving the money on the bed, he leaves.

For the third day in a row, the man shows up and asks again for Helga. After the hour was up, Helga finally decided to ask him why he returns and specifically asks for her.

“You see Helga,” the man said, “I am from the same village that you are from. When your father found out that I was coming to America for a visit, he asked me to give you some money. Three thousand dollars to be exact.”

The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose — how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said, “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”

One time a Lawyer from up North came down to South Texas to go hunting. He shot a duck and it landed in an old farmers field. When he went to go get it the farmer saw him and asked what he was doing. The lawyer repeated in a smart ass way, “I am getting my duck, old man. Watch out!”

The old man replied, “Well here in south Texas we got a contest we play before you can get the duck!”

The lawyer wanted to look good so he didn’t back down. He said, “Well how do I play?”

The old man replied, “Well its called Texas Three Kicks. I kick you three times and you kick me three times and who ever is the last on standing wins.”

Thinking that the old man was to feeble to ever do any damage, the lawyer agreed and he even let the old man go first. The old man kicked him right in the nuts and said, “You give up?”

The poor lawyer was in so much pain he could hardly stand but he didn’t give up. Then the old man kicked him in the kidneys and then in the nose.

Then the hurting lawyer stood up and said, “My turn?”

The old farmer said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the damn duck!”

(Warning… to see the incredible genius of this joke, you must ACTUALLY tell it to someone)

Approach person…

“I have a great knock knock joke, but you have to start it.”

Other person…

“Okay. Knock knock.”

You…

“Who´s there?”

Wait through about 10-15 seconds of confused silence and then explode into laughter.

Do you know the difference between a bullfrog and a horny toad?

The bullfrog says, “Ribbet, ribbet,” and the horny toad says, “Rub it, rub it.”

A woman was looking for a room to stay at. She went to the nearest house and knocked on the door. When the owner of the house answered, the woman asked, “Do you have a room I can stay at tonight?” The man said, “Yeah, but you’ve got to sleep with my retarded son.” She said, “No, thanks anyways.”

She went to the next house. When the owners answered the door, she asked for a room. They said, “Okay, but you have to sleep with our retarded son.” Since this was the last house around, the woman agreed.

Later that night, their son got home and found her naked in his room, sitting on the bed. The woman had her legs spread a little bit as she asked, “Do you know what I want?” He said, “No.”

She spread her legs a bit more and asked, “Do you know what I want?” Again he said, “No”.

Then she spread her legs all the way across the bed and asked, “NOW do you know what I want?!” He said, “You want the whole damn bed, but you ain’t getting it!”