Jokes News

Albert goes to a doctor and says: “Doctor, my wife has recently lost her voice. What should I do to help her get it back?”

The doctor replies, “Try coming home at three in the morning!”

A new minister in a small town spent the first four days desperately calling on the membership, begging them to come to his first services….He failed.

Early the following week, he placed a notice in the local newspaper stating that, as the church was dead, it was his duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.

Morbidly curious, the whole town turned out. In front of the pulpit, they saw a high coffin, smothered in flowers. The minister read the obituary and delivered a eulogy; he then invited his congregation to step forward and pay their respects to the dearly beloved who had departed. The long line filed by. Each mourner peeped into the coffin and then turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.

In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror. Everyone saw himself.

A man goes to his doctor and tells him that is wife never wants to have sex with him anymore. The doctor tells the man to leave and send his wife in so he can talk to her.

The wife comes into the room and the doctor asks, “Your husband is concerned by your lack of interest in sex. Can you explain?”

The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have enough money for the fare, so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today, or what?’

So I take an ‘or what’.

When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks if we are going to write my tardiness down in the book, or what?

So I take an ‘or what’.

After work I take the cab back home and again I don’t have any money. So the cab driver asks me again, ‘Are you going to pay this time, or what?’

So again I take an ‘or what’.

So you see, Doctor, when I get home I’m all tired out, and I simply don’t want it any more.”

The doctor thinks it over and says, “So are we going to tell your husband, or what?”

Your mama is so flat she is jealous of the wall!

Don’t have sex with a Chinese girl. As lovely and as sexually skilled as they are, it’s not a good idea, because one hour later, you’ll be horny again.

During world war 2 a Scottish general, an English general and an Irish general were captured by a German S.S. officer. They were all standing outside a concentration camp when the S.S. agent says,
“Before du go in to die concentration camp , I vill give each of you vone hundert lashes , but since you have vought bravely I vill give you one vish each.”

He then turns to the Scottish general and asks him,
“Vhat is your vish ? ”

And the scottish general replies, “I would like one of your wee S.S. jackets to put on me when you are whipping me ”

“Your vish is granted,” says the S.S. officer and he goes and gets a leather S.S. jacket to put on the Scottish general . Once he has it on , he gives him one hundred lashes with his whip and the Scottish general crawls into the concentration camp.

Next the S.S. officer goes to the English general and says, “Du have vought bravely also, Vhat ist your vish?”

The English general replies, “I would like a mattress to put across my back, old boy!”

The S.S. officer gets a mattress and puts it across the English general’s back and gives him one hundred lashes. The English general then crawls into the concentration camp.

Next the S.S. officer goes to the Irish general and says, “Du have also vought bravely , even more bravely than sie other two , for this I vill give du two vishes ”

Immediately the Irish general replies, “I would like two hundred lashes!”

The S.S. officer replies, “Are du sure?”

“Yes I am!” replies the Irish general.

The S.S. officer then says, “Fair enough, then vhat vould your second vish be??”

The Irish general then replies, “Put that english bastard on my back!!!”

After all the men bashing jokes, it time to FIGHT BACK!!!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman’s about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There’s a clock on the oven!

Why do men pass gas more than women do?
Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first? The dog of course…at least he’ll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won’t do what she’s told.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was
Always.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don’t like to
interrupt her.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%…wedding cake

Thursday, as my girlfriend was puttering around in the kitchen, getting ready to cook our turkey, she said to me, “Did you thaw the turkey?”

With a slight grin, I responded by saying, “Yeth. I thaw the turkey thitting in the think. Thee? Why don’t you look for it before athking me if I thaw it? I thee a lot with theeth two eyeth!”

She smacked me with the gravy ladle.

A woman goes into a meat market and asks the butcher why his pork chops are 99 cents a pound, when the guy across the street is selling his for 89 cents?

The butcher says, “Well, then, why don’t you go over there and buy his?”

The lady customer says, “Well, he don’t have any.

The butcher says, “Well, that’s nothing. When I don’t have ANY, I sell mine for only 79 cents!”

Q: What is the diffence between a misquito and a blonde?

A: When you smack a misquito it stops sucking!