Jokes News

Three football fans were driving down the road together, when they spied something laying on the side of the road. Upon investigating, they discovered a dead young woman, who was lying face up, and competely nude.

The first football fan removed his Green Bay Packers cap and placed it over her right breast. The second football fan removed his San Francisco 49er cap and placed it over her left breast. The third football fan removed his Dallas Cowboys cap and placed it over her private area. They then called the State Police, and waited for their arrival.

Upon arriving, a young State Trooper began to inspect the body. First he removed the Packers cap, looked under it and quickly replaced it. He then removed the 49ers cap and quickly replaced it too. He then removed the Cowboys cap and stared beneath it with a puzzled look. He replaced it, but soon lifted it again, looked again, and replaced it again.

By this time, the Cowboys fan was beginning to get upset with the trooper, and said… “Why do you keep looking under the Cowboys cap? Are you some kind of pervert or something?”

To which the trooper replied…”No sir, it’s just that every other time I’ve seen one of these hats there was an ASSHOLE under it.”

Q. Why do blondes wear hooped earrings?

A. To hold their ankles up during sex.

Q. What is 69 + 69?

A. Dinner for 4

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he’d left his plane ticket on top of his dresser.

He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door and walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.

She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached around, and squeezed her left tit.

“Leave only one quart of milk,” she said. “Jon won’t be here for breakfast tomorrow.”

Responding to an ad in the paper for Bible salesmen, a man arrived for his interview. “I w-w-want to s-s-sell B-B-Bibles,” he said. His interviewer was hesitant, but because the man’s sales experience was so good, he hired him.

To everyone’s astonishment, within a few months, the fellow’s sales were the best in the company. The president called a meeting to congratulate him and to inspire the other salemen. “Son, tell us your secret for selling so many Bibles,” he said.

“I just go to the d-d-door and say, ‘W-w-would you like to b-b-buy a B-B-Bible, or should I c-c-come in and read it t-t-to you?”

Q. Why do humming birds hum?

A. Because they don’t know the words.

This newlywed couple decided to take golfing lessons. So the husband went to the golf trainer and he hit the ball. It went about 50 yards, not very balanced and not a good hit.
So the trainer said, “Hold the golf club like you would your wife’s breasts.” So he did and it was a perfect hit, hole in 1.

When the wife went to the trainer, she did the same thing, not a very good hit, about 40 yards.

So the trainer said “Hold the golf club like you would your husband’s penis.” She hit the ball and it went about 3 feet.

Then the trainer said, “Now take the golf club out of your mouth and hit the ball again”

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,

“So you’re a man,that’s interesting. I’m a woman… Wow! Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left,but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”

The man replied,
” I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!”

The woman continued,
“And look at this - here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I will just wait for the police…”

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

After the husband’s exam, the doctor then said to him, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?”

“In fact, I do,” said the man. “After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”

“This is very interesting,” replied the doctor. “Let me do some research and get back to you.”

After examining the elderly wife, the doctor said to her, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.

The doctor then asked, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh that old buzzard!” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!”

Q: Why could Jesus not have been born in Washington?

A: There had to be three wise men and a virgin.