Jokes News

Q: How do you tell the difference between a male and female chromosome?

A: Pull down their genes!!!

frans bauwer komt bij de
dokter en zegt tegen hem
ik denk dat ik aids heb
zegt de dokter : dat hoor
ik liever dan je laaste c.d.

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*** Comedy.Com’s Really Loose Translation from Dutch ***
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Frans Bauer comes to the Doctor and says to him.

Doctor, “I think I have AIDS”

The Doctor says, Well that sounds better than your
last Communicable Disease!

A young child was constantly picked on by an older one, who would make him cry. His Mother told him, “The next time he bullies you, hit him as hard as you can!” The younger boy saw the bully in the park the next day, snuck up behind him and hit him in the back of the head, super hard, knocking the bully out cold.

The little kid went home and bragged to his Mother about his success. His Mother said, “Let me see your hand.” Puzzled, the boy extended his hand toward her, for her examination.

After looking it over carefully, she said, “If you hit him as hard as you say you did, I’m surprised you didn’t break your fingers.”

The boy responded, “Heck, Mom, I’m surprised I didn’t break THE BAT!”

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery, just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death! We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”

“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!!!”

Q: Why do boys run faster then girls?

A: Two ball bearings and a stick shift.

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn`t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he`d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says “Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery.”

Priest says: “How many times?”

Woman: “Three times.”

Priest says, “Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more.”

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Priest says, “What did you do?”

Man says, “I committed adultery.”

Priest asks, “How many times?”

Man replys, “Three times.”

Priest says, “Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more.”

The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he`s got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Rabbi says, “What did you do?”

Woman replys, “I committed adultery.”

Rabbi asks, “How many times?”

Woman says “Once.”

Rabbi says, “Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00.”

An elderly lady went to the doctor’s office for a checkup.

The doctor told her, “Mrs. Smith at this age you need to start thinking about the hereafter.”

The woman replied, “Oh I do. I go into a room and think, ‘What am I here after?’”

Q: What do female reindeer do at Christmas?

A: They blow a few bucks.

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.

“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army,” the general said. “Nothing to it–you’ll catch on again fast.”

Next morning, promptly at eight o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around to the other side of the bed, spanked his employer’s wife on her bottom and said, “OK, Sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you!”

I heard the other day on the radio that since John Bobbitt had his appendage re-attached, he’s become quite famous. The radio newscaster said that Bobbitt’s become so popular they plan to make a movie about his life. As soon as the newscaster said that, a movie commentator interupted and said…

“People you don’t want to watch that kind of movie. It’s going to be so so boring. Everyone knows how the story is going to go. It’s going to follow same the plot like all the other boring movies, it’s going to drag along in the beginning and then drop off at the end.”