Jokes News

How do you get a yes vote from Ted Kennedy?

Give him a key to your liquor cabinet!

A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to buy a mare. He wanders around until he comes across a beautiful mare inside a small enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate.

He goes up to the farmer and says, “Excthuth me, can I have a look at your horth?”

“Sure”, says the farmer,”come on in.”
The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops, says to the farmer “Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to see her eyeth.”

The farmer has to bend down and pick up the dwarf to show him the mare’s eyes.

“Nith eyeth, nith eyeth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth.”

Once again the dwarf wanders around the horse, in turn asking the farmer to pick him up and show him the mare’s ears and exclaiming, “Nith earth, nith earth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth.”

The farmer is starting to get pissed off by this stage because the dwarf is quite heavy.

Suddenly the dwarf stops in his tracks and says, “Her twat. her twat, I want to see her twat!”

The farmer, infuriated, pick up the dwarf and drives him head first into the mare’s backside.

He leaves the dwarf’s little legs kicking and wanders off to talk to his mates for a couple of minutes. He then comes back and extracts the dwarf from his predicament, “SCHLOOOOP!”

The dwarf wipes himself down and says. “I think I better wephrase that…I’d like to thee her gallop!”

There was a boy and his Dad were working in his dad’s garden.

His son spotted a butterfly; he then very quickly without warning smashed the butterfly.

His dad saw this and was very angry.

So he told his son that since he didn’t respect the laws
of nature he will have to eat butter for a week.

A few min. later his son spotted a fruitfly. He then, with out thinking, crushed the fruitfly.

His Dad told him he didn’t have any right to smash the fruitfly so he told his son he will have to eat fruit for a week.

About thirty min. later the mom came home with groceries asking them to help her put them away. So they did.

While they were in the kitchen, the mother spotted a cockroach and smashed it.

The kid said, “I wonder what she has to eat for a week.”

Q. How do you make a tissue dance?

A. You put a little boogey in it…

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble, and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

Bo, lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned and said, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”

The bride groaned, hung onto the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!!”

A Pope died and went to Heaven and was met by St. Peter.
St. Peter greeted him warmly and said, “Sir you have been such a good servant, We would like to offer you anything you want too make you feel at home”.

The Pope said, “I have always thought I would like to drive through Heaven in a long white limousine”.

St. Pete said, “I’m sorry, that’s the one thing that we can’t grant”.

The Pope said, “I understand” and walked away.

About that time, a long white limosine pulled up to the curb and a man got out.

The Pope went back to St. Peter and said, “I thought you didn’t have any limosines in Heaven”.

“I didn’t say we don’t have any, I just said you can’t have one.

The Pope asked, a little dejected, “Who is he and why does he get one?”.

“He is a lawyer,” replied St. Peter.

“I still don’t understand”, protested the Pope.

“Look”, said St. Peter, “We have hundreds of Popes, thousands of cardinals and bishops, but he is the only lawyer…”

Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about
his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer:

“You will die on a Jewish holiday.”

“Which one?’” Arafat asks nervously.

“It doesn’t matter,” replied the psychic. “Any day you die, will be a Jewish holiday.”

Q: What’s the difference between a Harley Davidson motorcycle and a Hoover vacuum cleaner?

A: The position of the dirt-bag!!!!!

I Know a blonde that was so stupid that…..
she called me for my #
she spent 20 mins. looking a the O.J. bottle b/c it said “concentrate”
she put lipstick on her forehead b/c she wanted to make-up her mind
she tried to drown a fish
If you gave her a penny 4 her thoughts you’d get change
under “education” on her application she put “Hooked On Phonics”
If she were to speak her mind she’d be speechless
she thought “Meow Mix” was a CD for cats
she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left” she turned around and went home.