The church’s gardener had just finished cleaning the courtyard of a large accumulation of pigeon droppings when another flock landed on the statuary in the garden.

Furious, he began yelling at them “Fuck off, you bastards, fuck off!”

Just then, the pastor came out and, hearing how upset the gardener was, said to him, “There’s no need to use profanity, my friend. Just wave your arms and say ‘Shoo, birdies, Shoo, birdies. You’ll see, they’ll fuck off.”

Miss Jones was involved in an affair with her boss, Mr. Smith. Unfortunately, the relationship had reached the point where Miss Jones felt that she was simply being used as a girl toy, so she found a new job and went to tell her boss that she was quitting.

“Mr. Smith,” she said, “I’ve found a new position.”

Mr. Smith replied, “Great, let’s try it!”

A birdcage; three budgies in it: a blue one on the bottom perch, a green one on the middle perch, and a white one on the top perch.

Which budgie owns the cage?

The blue one. The other two are on ‘higher perches’ !!??

This guy had a sex change, he got it and came back and his buddy asked him how it went.

He said “It wasn’t bad but the worst part was when they had to stick a straw up my nose.”

“Why’d they have to stick a straw up your nose?!?!?!”

“They had to suck out half my brain!”

Do you know what the “worst thing about sex” is for a guy?

Well, it’s wearing a condom…… especially if you didn’t have one on when you first went in!!!