Jokes News

The church’s gardener had just finished cleaning the courtyard of a large accumulation of pigeon droppings when another flock landed on the statuary in the garden.

Furious, he began yelling at them “Fuck off, you bastards, fuck off!”

Just then, the pastor came out and, hearing how upset the gardener was, said to him, “There’s no need to use profanity, my friend. Just wave your arms and say ‘Shoo, birdies, Shoo, birdies. You’ll see, they’ll fuck off.”

Miss Jones was involved in an affair with her boss, Mr. Smith. Unfortunately, the relationship had reached the point where Miss Jones felt that she was simply being used as a girl toy, so she found a new job and went to tell her boss that she was quitting.

“Mr. Smith,” she said, “I’ve found a new position.”

Mr. Smith replied, “Great, let’s try it!”

A birdcage; three budgies in it: a blue one on the bottom perch, a green one on the middle perch, and a white one on the top perch.

Which budgie owns the cage?

The blue one. The other two are on ‘higher perches’ !!??

This guy had a sex change, he got it and came back and his buddy asked him how it went.

He said “It wasn’t bad but the worst part was when they had to stick a straw up my nose.”

“Why’d they have to stick a straw up your nose?!?!?!”

“They had to suck out half my brain!”

Do you know what the “worst thing about sex” is for a guy?

Well, it’s wearing a condom…… especially if you didn’t have one on when you first went in!!!

Part of my friend’s job as a technical writer is to help produce the company newsletter which goes to their clients. He was asked to come up with a list (ala Letterman’s Top Ten List) of funny things one can do with Thanksgiving leftovers. He applied my head-bone to the problem for an hour and we came up with this list.

Seal them in concrete and call it a time capsule. Send it to the Smithsonian with instructions to
open in 2096.

Mix some Elmer’s glue into the mashed potatoes and use as spackle.

Flatten stuffing with rolling pin and bake until hard. Sell to local lumber store as press/compound board.

Stick broccoli and celery sticks in potting soil and display as rare and exotic bonsai.

Liquefy leftovers according to colors. Sell as organic finger paints.

Mix whatever doesn’t sell and repackage as vitamin-rich energy juice.

Carefully separate bones, dry thoroughly. Practice making Indian bone necklaces.

Form mashed potatoes into replicas of ancient urns and vases. Use sweet potatoes for a dash of color and to create authentic aging marks.

Whittle turkey ribs into reusable toothpicks.

Refrigerate and save for when your least favorite relative comes for dinner. Serve a dazzling dinner, and afterwards offer to make a doggie bag for her/him. Stuff the thanksgiving leftovers in the doggie bag instead.

Pile them all on one large platter and sculpt into likenesses of famous performers.

Use as practice ammunition for that all-important Christmas food-fight at your brother’s house.

Freeze in little bags and save for Halloween next year. Hand them out as prizes for “least-tasteful costume” and “oldest trick-or-treater.”

Feed the turkey to your least-favorite neighbor’s dog. Sell gas masks to the neighbors at inflated prices.

Blend all leftovers thoroughly, pour into a plastic garbage bag. Put in a bus station locker. Call FBI with a tip on Jimmi Hoffa’s resting place.

Glue olives, celery sticks, etc. to create clever and whimsical figurines. Sell at local craft fairs as Christmas ornaments.

Estimate dollar value of leftovers and send to IRS as “payment-in-kind” like the fishermen do.

Secretly freeze selected leftovers. When needed, defrost and mix in a little water. Make gagging, hurling noises then display as evidence to your parents that you are too sick to go to school today. Won’t work if your name is Ferris Bueller.

Go for a long walk in forest with brother or sister. Drop little bits of leftovers as you go. When the witch in the candy house tries to cook you, follow your trail back home.

Put leftovers in boxes and wrap with festive holiday paper. Leave on the sidewalk for slow-witted, unsuspecting criminals.

Seal into foil bags and label them “Gourmet K-Rations.” Sell to the U.S. Army.

Place into cylindrical containers and sell to the Army as biological weapons.

Mix with water to make a broth. Serve as “Potluck Surprise” at local church dinner.

Stitch turkey skins together, stuff with sweet potatoes, sell as organically-created hackysacks.

How come blondes don’t eat very many bananas?

A: Because they can’t find the zipper.

THE MOST VENOMOUS SNAKE IN THE WORLD

NAME:
“Expecteria Trouserius” (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION:
Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION:
Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit.

SIZE:
varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species

SYMPTOMS:
This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is usually not fatal. It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.

HABITAT:
Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE:
Various types of remedies available to women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TOURNIQUET:
Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND:
This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND:
This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

MILKING THE SNAKE
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION:
This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.