Jokes News

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

There was once a blonde who bought a VW bug. She was driving along, and she ran over a speed bump,and immediately after she heard a huge bang and her car broke down.

The blonde then got out of her car and opened the hood, where she thought the engine should be. To her surprise it was gone. Thinking the engine had fallen out she started walking back. On her way she met another blonde, in an identical VW bug. The second blonde pulled over, and asked the first blonde what the problem was.

The first blonde replied, “My car hit a bump, and the engine fell out, so I’m going back to find it.”

The second blonde got very excited. She exclaimed, “Well, there isn’t problem then, because I just happen to have a spare engine in my trunk!”

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was . . . God! I miss him!!!

But now that I’ve married YOU, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the lawyer, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I KNOW I’m gonna get screwed!”

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very
tired after a long day’s trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man notices a gorgeous woman sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

Lying to the hotel clerk, he says, “Fancy meeting my ‘wife’
here. I’ll need a double room for the night.”

The next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the
amount to be over $3000.

“What’s the meaning of this?” he yells at the clerk. “I’ve
only been here for one night!”

“Yes,” says the clerk, “but your ‘wife’ has been here for
three weeks!”

A man walks into a pharmacy and laments, “I’ve accidentally summoned three incredibly horny women to my apartment for drinks Saturday night”!

“Lucky you”, says the pharmacist!

“Unlucky”, says the man, “you see.. I’m not near man enough to please all three of them!!”

“Not to worry” says the pharmacist, “We have a new experimental drug which I will allow you to test if you are willing”

Seventy five dollars later the man walks from the pharmacy with instructions to return at 9 a.m sharp the next morning to reveal his findings.

The next morning the man walks into the pharmacy moaning and groaning with his pants around his knees.

“Oh my God”, screams the pharmacist, “What has happened, were you involved in a motorcycle accident”? (noticing the red,raw and poor condition of the man’s penis)

“NO,NO,NO”, groans the man,”nevermind about that.. just get me some A535 RUB, HEET LOTION or some Absorbine JR”.

“You must be insane”, yells the pharmacist, “That Sir.. is an open wound, applying anything like that would lead to terrific pain”!

“If you must know”, says the man, “it is not for my PENIS..! it is for my ARM..! Those @#%^## WOMEN never showed up!!!”

This guy decides to go ice fishing one day, so he gets up at 2am to have an early start. When he arrives, he gets out his saw and begins carving away at the ice when all of a sudden he hears an echoing voice,
“There are no fish under the ice there.”

The dude freaks out looks around but sees no one. So he waits a few minutes then decides there is no one around and keeps carving. A few minutes later the voice comes back, “There are no fish under the ice there!”

“Wow!” thinks the dude to himself, “God is giving me guidance.”

So he once again starts to carve away at another part of the ice. He hears the bellowing voice, “Sir this is the rink manager, and there are no fish under the ice anywhere.”

Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.”

Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?”
Woman: “Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

Man: “So, wanna go back to my place?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

Man: “Your place or mine?”
Woman: “Both. You go to your place and I’ll go to mine.”

Man: “I’d really like to get into your pants.”
Woman: “No thanks. There’s already one asshole in there.”

Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”
Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.”

Man: “What sign were you born under?”
Woman: “No Parking.”

Man: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Woman: “Do Not Enter”

Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfertilized!”

Man: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason.”
Woman: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”

Man: “I want to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.”
Woman: “You mean you’ve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?”

Man: “I know how to please a woman.”
Woman: “Then please leave me alone.”

Man: “I want to give myself to you.”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

Man: “I can tell that you want me.”
Woman: “Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you to leave.”

Man: “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.”
Woman: “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”

Man: “Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”

Man: “May I see you pretty soon?”
Woman: “Why? Don’t you think I’m pretty now?”

Man: “Your body is like a temple.”
Woman: “Sorry, there are no services today.”

Man: “I’d go through anything for you.”
Woman: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”

Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you.”
Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there?”

one day a guy at an insurance company got a request for insurance for a pig.
The guy wanted to know why the pig needed insurance so he went down to the farm to investigate.
when he approched the owner and asked him why, the farmer pointed to the pig with only 3 legs.
The insurance man(lets call him Joe)
asked what happen to the pig.
the farmer(lets call him Billy Bob)
says,”well one time my little daughter got out of her play pen and me and my darlin didnt notice, till a big truck started come down the road! The pig jump over the fence and saved her before she got hit!”
Joe: “well how did the pig loss his leg?”
Billy Bob:”oh .. well one night i was in the barn tending my horses and i dropped the lantern, and the barn started to catch fire, and the pig saved us all before it burned down on top of us!”
Joe:”you still didnt tell me how he lost his leg.”
Billy Bob:” well you cant eat a pig that good all at once!!”

There was a priest who heard too many confessions of adultery, that he threatened that if one more person was to say the word “Adultery,” he would quit his job as a priest. The citizens used the word FALLEN as a replacement for the word “adultery.”

Ten years later, the priest died. A new priest arrived in the town, unaware of the code word. After many weeks of hearing confessions of people falling, the priest went to the mayor. He told the mayor that some repair work should be done on the town’s streets because many of the citizens are falling.

The Mayor started to laugh hysterically at the innocent priest. Then the Priest said, “You shouldn’t be laughing, your wife has fallen 3 times this week!”

one person says “well, you are what you eat!” as a come back to a remark.
the other person says, “in that case, did you eat a big bowl of ugly? Oh no, you spilled that all over your clothes!”