Women just don’t understand me, that’s why I bought a dog. And this dog is like my dream date-as soon as I get her in the house, she’s all over me, rubbing against my leg, licking my nuts……….I can’t even get a girl to do that…….I can’t even get a girl to shit on my carpet!

A girl came running to her father in tears.

“What’s the matter?” asked her father.

“You gave me some bad financial advice,” she said.

“I did? What did I tell you?”

“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”

“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the world, he said. “Surely, there must be some mistake.”

“I don’t think so,” said the girl. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”

A guy goes to the doctor and says, ”Doctor…doctor…my leg hurts! What do I do?” and the doctor says, ”LIMP!!!

A new blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.”

“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”

“No, Mother,” the young woman laments. “I bought a frozen turkey loaf, and he yelled at about the price.”

“Well, that surely is being miserly,” the mother agreed. “Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.”

“No, Mother, it wasn’t the price of the turkey roll. It was the airplane ticket.”

“Airplane ticket?…What did you need an airplane ticket for?”

“Well, Mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back, and it said ‘PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,’ so I flew to Alaska.”

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. “What took you so long to answer?”

“I was in bed.”

“What were you doing in bed this late?”

“Getting a second opinion.”