Jokes News

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran, she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!”

As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.

She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. Again, she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!…But don’t shove me either!”

Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of a small New England town. After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd–shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily.

Suddenly, the skies opened, and it began to rain. One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant, along with half a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd–shaking hands kissing babies, etc.

“That man’s persistence yonder,” observed one of the natives, “sure makes it easy to know who to vote for, doesn’t it?”

“Yep,” another native agreed. “Sure can’t see myself voting for an asshole who hasn’t the brains to come in out of the rain.”

yo mama so old she saw adam and eve naked.

yo mama so old jesus signed her year book.

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it’s probably raining.

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog’s fur looks like it’s been rubbed the wrong way, it’s probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it’s probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,

The Cat

Q: Did you know that Monica bought a new dress for the impeachment hearings?

A: Bill Clinton spotted it right away.

Cinderella was getting ready for the ball and her fairy godmother was giving her all sorts of magical things. Cinderella then told her fairy godmother that it was that time of the month so she gave her a magical tampon to last her the whole night. Cinderella left for the ball and the fairy godmother realized that she forgot to tell her that it would turn into a pumpkin at midnight.

At 11:30, the godmother began to get worried and at 11:45 she really thought Cinderella was going to be in a lot of pain. 12:00 rolled around and she thought Cinderella was in to much pain to make it home. At 12:30 Cinderella came home. The fairy godmother was all worried and asked her if she was alright. Cinderella replied that she was okay so the godmother asked her how the ball was.

Cinderella replied, “Oh it was wonderful! I met this man, his name was, Peter, Peter, pumpkin something..”

After nearly forty years in practice as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard.

The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. John tossed and turned in bed that night, dreading the next morning when the exam scores would be returned.

The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam.

John spoke to his professor after class. “I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. But tell me, how did I earn a score of 150%?”

The professor replied, “I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler.”

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

“Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice: “Don’t let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie.”

Confused, the man went to his Minister, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do. “Let me tell you a story,” replied the Minister. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks.’” But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice:’ Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.’”

The man protested: “But Reverend, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?”

“It doesn’t matter what you wear; you’re going to get screwed.”

Q. What’s the definition of lesbian?

A. Just another damn woman trying to do a man’s job

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.” on the back of a deposit slip.

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that some-one had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note, because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip, or go back
to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said “OK” and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.