Jokes News

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant.

This program is known as “Millennium Year Application Software System” (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone.

We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS.

This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that she had her nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, “I’m a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.”

I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.

As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, “here, stick this in MYASS.”

It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, “Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.”

For sale.

1 nuclear warhead.

Phone Baghdad and ask for Saddam.

She does not: Get PMS
She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL

She does not have: A Killer Body
She is: GEOMETRICALLY SUPERIOR

She is not: A Bad Cook
She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE

She is not: A Bad Driver
She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED

She is not: Easy
She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

She does not: Cut You Off
She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE

She is not: Hooked On Soap Operas
She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED

She does not: Wear Too Much Make-Up
She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED

She will never: Gain Weight
She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER

She is not: A Screamer Or Moaner
She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

She will never: Sag
She will become: GRAVITATIONALLY CHALLENGED

She does not have: Big Hair
She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED

A psychology professor, lecturing on human sexuality, asked his students how often they had sex.

“Every day?” A few hands went up.

“Once a week?” A few more raised their hands.

This went on until he finally asked:
“Once a year?” A student in the back of the class stood up waving his arms frantically, with a big grin on his face.

“Good Lord, man,” said the professor. “If it’s just once a year why are you so excited?”

Replied the student, “Tonight’s the night.”

* the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.

* the security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.

* my assistant began responding to my memos with “Yeah, whatever.”

* my new Pentium PC was replaced with a 386sx-18 last weekend.

* the Human Resources Dept. requested an update of my arrest record.

* the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5-year contract.

* I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.

* my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

* my secretary said things like “Get the phone, my nails aren’t dry.”

* three people began helping me write a “desk manual” for my job.

* the LAN suddenly began backing up my computer every 10 minutes.

* a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.

* I got a “It’s for you loser” wav instead of a chime whenever I received e-mail.

* the receptionist began saying “Who ???” to anyone looking for me.

There was this really old guy at an old-timer’s dance, and the problem was that he hadn’t had any sex for a long time. He’d been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn’t scored.

Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, “I’m having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a roll in the hay? I’ll give you 20 bucks!”

She says, “I’m willing, let’s go”.

They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay; they head for the bedroom. He loves the sex and can’t get over how tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she’s got to be a virgin.

After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and puffs, “Wow! Lady, if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks”.

Surprised, she says, “If I had of known you were actually going to get a hard-on, I would have taken my pantyhose off!”

Q: Three tampons are walking down the street, what do they say?

A: Nothing, they are stuck up bitches

There was once a man who couldn’t speak. Everyday, he prayed for God to give him a voice. One day God decided to answer the man’s prayers, so He sprayed Holy Water on the man, miraculously giving him the ability to speak.

The man’s first words were: “Who the fuck sprayed water on me!”

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men, and soon the ship had left port and was steaming out of the channel.

The ensign’s efficieny had been remarkable! In fact the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not at all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message instead of his being congratulated in person. He was even MORE surprised when he read:

“My personal congratulations upon completing your exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you overlooked one of the unwritten rules–make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way.”

The mighty god Thor was riding around Mount Olympus. He saw a beautiful girl bathing in a stream. She emerged naked from the water.

Thor wasted no time. He moved quickly towards her and the two were soon locked in frenzied and passionate embrace.

For two hours the lovemaking continued unabated until the beautiful girl, satiated and contented, fell asleep.
Thor continued on his journey.

The next day he returned and the girl was lying by the stream.

“Hello, I’m Thor,” said the god.

“I thor too,” said the girl, “but I’m thatithfied!”