Jokes News

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole??

A 30 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!!

Did you hear about that cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?

She had mittens!

A drunk stumbles out of a bar and sees a nun walking down the sidewalk. He goes over and punches her in the face. The nun is shocked, but before she can do anything, he punches her again, and she falls down. He kicks her a few times, and then he picks her up and throws her against a wall.

He puts his face right up to hers and says, “Not very fucking tough tonight, are you, Batman?”

President Clinton had been walking around the White House and going to public and private meetings all day with a pair of pink ladies underwear on his left arm.

Reporters and staff observed this phenomenon and of course wondered what was going on.

Finally, at an afternoon press conference, Sam Donaldson got brave enough to ask the President why he had a pair of ladies panties on his arm.

The President looked genuinely surprised, and replied, “Oh, that. It’s the patch. I’m trying to quit.”

A blonde buys a ticket and wins the lottery. She goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies her ticket number. The blonde says, “I want my $20 million.”

The man replied, “No, mam. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.”

The blonde said, “Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.”

Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day andthe rest during the next 19 years.

The blonde, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I want my money! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!”

A man goes to a doctor and says “Doc, I have a problem but you have to promise not to laugh.”

“That would be totally unprofessional,” says the doctor, “of course I won’t laugh. I’ve been practicing medicine for twenty years and I’ve never laughed at a patient.”

“All right,” says the man. He opens his fly, and the doctor is greeted with the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls down laughing.

After composing himself, the doctor wipes the tears from his eyes and tries to apologize. “I’m so sorry..I don’t know what came over me…I won’t let it happen again. Now what seems to be the trouble?”

“It’s swollen.”

“ifyoucanreadthis,icanslamonmybreaksandsueyourass”

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside,
admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he
spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over
his initial shock he said to himself, “Ah, young love… ze
spring time, ze air, ze flowers… C’est magnifique!” and
continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, “Mais… Sacre bleu! Ze
woman - she is dead!” and he hurried along as fast as he
could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He came,
out of breath, to the police station and shouted, “Jean…
Jean zere is zis man, zis woman … naked in farmer Gaston’s
field making love.”

The police chief smiled and said; “Come, come, Henri you are
not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air,
ze flowers? Ah, L’amour! Zis is okay.”

“Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!”
Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the
station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field,
confirmed Henri’s story, and pedaled all the way back non-
stop to call the doctor: “Pierre, Pierre, … this is Jean,
I was in Gaston’s field; zere is a young couple naked ‘aving
sex ”

To which Pierre replied,”Jean, I am a man of science. You
must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah,
L’amour! Zis is very natural.” Jean, still out of breath,
grasped in reply, “NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she
is dead!”

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, “Mon dieu!” grabbed his
black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope,
and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman
down to Gaston’s field. After carefully examining the
participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who
were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside,
smiled patiently, and said, “Ah, mes amis, do not worry.
Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British.”

According to some people, bigamy and monogamy are the same thing: One wife too many!

An old lady just bought a brand new $35 million dollar car. As she was driving home she turned on the radio and it wouldn’t work.

So she turned back around, went back to the dealership where she bought it and said she wanted a different car because her radio didn’t work.

The dealer there said it worked, it was just voice activated. So on the way home she decided to try it out, she said ‘country’ and a George Strait song came on.

So then she said ‘rock ‘n roll’ and a Rolling Stones song came on. So she was pretty satisfied with the song and she kept driving.

A few minutes later a man whipped out in front of her and she yelled ‘Jackass’ — the radio changed the station to Bill Clinton’s Press Conference.