Jokes News

Question: Where was Monica Lewinsky during the President’s State of the Union speech?

Answer: Hiding behind the podium. That’s why Clinton had a smile on his face.

yo mama is so fat when she jumped she got lost in space.

A little boy walked up to homeplate in an empty baseball field, with his bat and ball in hand.

As he threw the ball up in the air, he proclaimed, “I am the best ball player ever!” He swung with all his might, but missed.

He did the same thing and missed again.

He picked up the ball, tossed it up one more time, said “I am the best ball player in the world!” Then he swung and missed again.

“Wow!” he said. “What a pitcher!”

Q. why don’t cannibals eat clowns?

A. they taste funny

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman said, “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.”

The second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice.”

The first woman continued “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive.”

Again, the comment, “Well, isn’t that nice.”

The first boasted, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”

Yet again, the second commented “Well, isn’t that nice.”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

The second woman replied, “My husband sent me to charm school.”

“Charm school!” the first woman cried “land sakes, child, what on Earth for?”

The second woman responded, “So that instead of saying ‘who gives a flying “___” (insert your favorite expletive), I learned to say ‘Well, isn’t that nice!”

Feeling a bit paranoid, a rich businessman decided to test the fidelity of his wife and his mistress by putting them both on the same cruise ship vacation in the Caribbean. He booked two adjacent rooms for the two women and then begged off from accompanying them because of business concerns. Once the cruise trip ended, he would question his wife and his mistress separately on each other’s behavior during the cruise without letting on about their relationship with him.

When his wife returned from the cruise trip, the rich businessman began to ask her questions about the people on the cruise in general and then subtly asked questions about the woman in the cabin next to her. Although she never knew that the woman in the adjacent cabin was her husband’s mistress, the wife commented, “She’s a slut! She flirts with every man, single or married. Every night she had a different man spending the night with her for the entire cruise.” Upon hearing this, the rich man was crestfallen but he did not let on that he knew the woman his wife was criticizing.

The next day, he paid his mistress a visit and asked her general questions about the cruise and the people on the cruise. He then asked her subtly about the woman who was in the cabin next to hers. Though she did not know that the woman was her lover’s wife, the mistress gushed, “She’s every inch of a proper lady.” Hearing this, the rich man felt some consolation and asked, “How so?”

“Well, she was very cordial and gracious with the people on the cruise even though she and her husband spent the entire cruise mostly in their cabin.”

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads :

Cheese sandwich $1.50
Chicken sandwich $2.50
Hand Job $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile. “Can I help you?”

“I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”

“Yes indeed I am!” she purrs.

The man says, “Well, wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich.”

Q: What do blondes and a beer bottle have in common?

A: They are both empty from the shoulders and up.

What can a jelly bean do that a man can’t?

Come (cum) in different colors.

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches. “Can I help you, Sir?”

“Yesssh! Ssssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replies.

The cop asks, “Where was the car the last time you saw it?”

“It wassss at the end of thissss key!” the man answers.

About that time, the officer looks down and sees that the man’s “thing” is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He says to the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”

The shocked man looks down and, without missing a beat, moans, “OHHHH GOD….They got my girlfriend, too!!!”