Jokes News

your mama was so ugly as a child her mom had to feed her with a sling shot.

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made the Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls. It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday and then explained that she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.

Monday they started up the assembly line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn’t keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part, but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.

When the boss could control his laughter, he said, “Lady, I said to give each doll two TEST TICKLES!”

A man was walking down a lonely country road when Mother Nature called. He rushed to the nearest house and asked if he could use their facilities. The owner said, “Sure, the outhouse is right over there.” After about 20 minutes, the owner became concerned that the passer-by had not yet come out of the outhouse. He knocked on the door and as it swung open, he noticed the passer-by bent over, reaching down into the two holer with a stick.

“My goodness, what are you doing?” he asked.

“I dropped my jacket and am trying to retreive it.”

“Well, you’re not going to wear that now are you?”

“No,” came the reply. “But my sandwich is in the pocket.”

“Daddy, where did I come from?” the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.

“Does that answer your question?” her father asked.

“Not really,” the little girl said. “Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from.”

Maria just got married. Her hubbie came home and took off his work gloves. Maria phoned her mother. “Mother, my husband’s got hairy hands!” “Don’t worry Maria, all good men have hairy hands.The same thing happened, but only he took his top off. Her mother said exactly the same thing. Then, he took off his shoes and Maria realised his one foot was only half a one. She phoned her mother. “Ma ma, ma ma, my hubbie’s got a foot and a half.” Her mother took it the wrong way and said, “I’m on my way Maria, this is a job for your Ma ma!”

How about never? Is never good for you?

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Ahhh…I see the “Fuck-up Fairy” has visited us again…

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication.

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…

I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

If you hire me, I’ll tell you.

Q. What’s the difference between deer nuts and walnuts ?

A. Walnuts are about $5.00 a lb. and deer nuts are under
a buck.

Sally was seen going into the woods carrying a small package and a large bird cage. She had gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend Liz had never seen Sally looking so sad.

So Liz said, “Heard you went off into the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay but you look so sad. Why?”

Sally replied, “Because I can’t get a man.”

Liz said, “Well you sure won’t find one in the middle of the woods.”

“Don’t be so silly,” said Sally. “I know that. I went into the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn’t find it.”

Liz said, “I don’t understand what you’re talking about.”

Sally replied, “Well, I went there to catch a pair of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage.”

“So how’s that gonna help you get a man?” wondered Liz.

Sally said, “Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters.”

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him. The police officer on duty was intrigued by this and he asked, “How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?”

“No,” replied the nervous immigrant.

“Did ya hear her tell someone else that she’s gonna kill ya?”

“No.”

“Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?”

“No.”

“Then why in God’s name did ya think she’s gonna kill ya?” asked the exasperated police officer.

“Because I found bottle on dresser and I tink she gonna poison me!” He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said, “What so funny? Can’t you see the label on bottle said ‘Polish Remover’?”

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2″ in diameter. He
then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So, the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. “Now,” said the
professor, “I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job,
your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.”
“If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.”
“Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

But then…

A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a bottle of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
Which proves: No matter how full your life is, there is always room for a beer.