Jokes News

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the night time.

Instead of make an official request to the tower, he said, “Guess who?”

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, “Guess where!”

Two straight guys were playing a round of golf when they noticed two gays ahead of them. They decided to have a little fun so they started to aim their shots near where they were playing.

After a couple of balls landed a little too close for comfort the gays decided that the next time a ball lands close to one of them, one of them would fall down and make they were hurt and then they would sue the straight golfers for the injuries.

Sure enough the next shot from one of the straight golfers landed right next to one of the gays, so he fell down and made like he was unconscious.

When the straight golfers got up to them, the one gay started in by saying, ” Hey what kind of idiots are you? You seriously injured my friend and now we’re going to sue you!”

One of the straight guys says to the gay, “Why don’t you suck me.”

At this the gay says to his buddy, “Charlie, get up. They want to settle out of court.”

An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, “Only a little while, Senor”.

The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican fisherman replied that he had enough to support his family’s needs.

The American then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican fisherman said “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life.”

The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat, and with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats, so instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor, and eventually open your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City…then LA, and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding empire.”

The Mexican fisherman asked “But, Senor, how long will all this take?”

“Fifteen to twenty years”, the American replied.

“And what then?”

The American smiled and said “That’s the best part. When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich…you would make millions.”

“Yes, and then what?”

The American said “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, and in the evenings stroll to the village where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

One day Bill Clinton and Al Gore are on a ship and it begins to sink. Everyone panics and begins to run around in a rush to get to safety.

Al Gore says, “Come on, let’s get the hell out of here!”

Bill says, “What about the women and children?”

Al Gore says, “Screw the women and children!”

Bill, looking doubtful but curious, says, “You think we’ll have enough time?”

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional prank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he was being paged by “Lucille.” He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

“She don’t never leave no number, so I can’t call her back,” he said.

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn’t leave a number.

“She leaves her name,” was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on at Customer Service.

“How does she spell her name?” the service rep asked.”

“L-O-W C-E-L-L,” he replied.

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River looking across at the Promised Land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised American, “Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River.”

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he assured them by saying, “Don’t worry. You will sink only proportionally, according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned, the more you will sink into the water.”

The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who would be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.

Finally, George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking of all his sins that were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he began to emerge on the river’s bank.

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river, and the water was only up to his ankles.

He turned to Michael and exclaimed, “I know Al Gore. Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!”

Before the Archangel Micael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, “I’m standing on Clinton’s shoulders!”

The other day I went into the local religious book store where I saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I’m really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, just lost in thoughts of the Lord and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who loved Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, “Jesus Christ!” as loud as he could. It was like a football game, with his shouting, “Go! Jesus Christ, GO!” Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and smiled to all those loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about “sunny beach” and I saw him waving in a funny way with his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

Several cars behind, a very nice large man stepped out of his car yelling something. I couldn’t hear him very well, but it sounded like “mother trucker” or mother from there. Maybe he was from Florida too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed the light had changed to yellow and I stepped on the gas. It was a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection.

I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign and I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful people.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde’s been at your computer?

There’s white-out all over the screen, cheese near the mouse and a condom on the joy-stick!

HOW ABOUT THESE SIMPLE JOKES….

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They’re trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.

Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking about retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help … after it bites your leg off.

What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post
office?
They’re hiring.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

The young man nervously approached the counter at the local drugstore. “Excuse me ma’am,” he stammered, “May I speak to the pharmacist?”

“Son,” the woman said, “I am the pharmacist. It’s just my sister and me here. What can I do for you?”

“Ah, well, it’s rather embarassing.”

“Young man, we’ve heard everything,” she assured him. “Don’t be nervous.”

“Well, I’ve had this erection for three days and can’t get rid of it. What can you give me for it?”

“Wait here. I’ll be right back,” she said, walking into her office. A few minutes later, she returned. “My sister and I can give you 10% of the business and $2,000 cash.”