Jokes News

A woman with very hairy armpits walks into a bar and sits down at a table in a dimly lit corner. She raises her hand to order a drink, and a drunken man at the bar says, rather loudly, to the bartender, “I’ll buy the drink for that ballerina!”

The bartender, rather confused by the ballerina comment, complies, and brings the woman a free drink.

A short while later, the woman with the hairy armpits raises her hand again to order a drink. Again, the drunken man at the bar says, “I’ll buy the drink for that ballerina!”

Again, the bartender sends a free drink to the woman, still confused by the ballerina reference.

The woman again raises her hand all the way up to order a drink, and the same exchange takes place. Finally, the woman leaves and the bartender walks over to the drunken man and says,

“Hey, why did you keep calling that woman over there a ballerina?”

The man answered, “Because any woman that can raise her leg that far above her head has GOT to be a ballerina.”

“What’ll you do,” the teacher asked, “when you are as big as your mother?”

“Diet,” replied the young girl.

An old golfer was starting to have a very hard time during his game. Since he was 85, it was not unusual that his eyesight was not what it used to be. He would drive the ball quite well, but even though he wore eyeglasses he could not see where the ball would go. Hoping to solve the problem, he asked his older brother, who still had excellent eyesight, for some help.

So they both went out on the course together. He drove the ball off the tee as usual. He asked his brother, “Did you see that?” His brother said, “Yeah, that was a great drive!”

He asked his brother again, “Well, did you see where the ball went?” His brother said with excitement, “Yeah, I saw where the ball went!” With no immediate further response from his brother, he impatiently asked, “Well, where did the ball end up?” To this his brother sadly had to say, “I can’t remember!”

A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first church, and was preaching his first sermon. He started out with a quote, “Behold I cometh….” but he couldn’t remember the rest of it. In the seminary, they had told him that if he forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had said, and maybe it would come back to him.

So, he said again, “Behold I cometh….’ but he still couldn’t remember. So he reared back and shouted again, “BEHOLD I COMETH…” but this time, he tripped over the pulpit and fell onto a little woman sitting in the first row. He was embarrassed and started apologizing.

“It ain’t your fault,” the woman said. “You told me you was coming three times, and I never did move!”

On my first day of classes at Ballstate University in Muncie, Indiana, I took a front row seat in my literature course. The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.

Then he ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book and began . . . Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook . . .

I was working feverishly to get down all the names when I felt a tap on my shoulder. The student in back of me whispered, “Relax, he’s taking attendance.”

What did the cheerleader say to the ghost?
*****
*****
*****
*****
*****
*****
give up??

*****
*****
*****
*****
*****
Show me your spirit!

Q: What do a blond and a door screen have in common?

A: When you bang it to much it gets loose.

One day a pre-adolescent teen heard screams and whines coming from his parents bedroom. After his father came out and went into the garage, the boy curiously asked, “What were you doing in there?”

His father replied, “I was playing poker!”

“Well, what was mom doing?” the son replied.

“She was my WILD CARD,” the father said proudly.

A couple days later, the father heard his son moaning and groaning in his bedroom.

“Open this door right now,” the father yelled.
“What the hell are you doing?” he exclaimed, catching his son jerkin’ off.

“DAD, I’m playing poker,” the son said defensively.

“Well, you need a wild card to play poker, Son,” the father
exclaimed.

“Well Dad,” the son explained, “WITH A HAND LIKE MINE, YOU DON’T NEED A WILD CARD!”