Jokes News

Did you here that Loraina Bobbit got killed in a car accident??????

Yea… Some dick cut her off

Why do blondes like tilt steering?

More headroom

yo momma so damn dumb when the judge said “Order in the court,” she said she’ll take some fries, a shake, etc.

yo momma so damn dumb she thinks speed dial is fast acting soap.

The confirmed bachelor decided to marry his long-time girlfriend.

“I have to warn you however,” said he, “that on Mondays I play bridge, on Tuesdays I work seminar, on Wednesdays I go to the gym, on Thursdays I play indoor soccer, on Fridays I go out with the boys from work, and on Saturdays I go to the rugby with my mates, but on Sundays I’m all yours.”

“That’s fine,” she said. “Just as long as you realise that I screw every night of the week, and it’s your problem if you’re not there.”

A guy in the hospital ets a visit from his doctor. The doctor “Hi there how re you.” O.K. Doc cut out the cheery stuff I know I am about to die and I wnt o get out of this hospital and go home and die with some dignity.
The doctor felt sorry for the man so he arraned a howspital bed for him and with a hole in both arms and needles in hem with another hole in his throught he wheeled him home and set him up in his own lvingroom.
The first day home his wife is in the kitchen baking chocolate chip cookies and this guy could never resist them. He smelled them and said that he was going to die anyway so he pulled the tube in his throat and the needles in both arms and rolled out of the bed. He crawled to the kitchen and struggled to the counter and reached up from the floor to get one before he died.
His wife whacked him on the hand and said “Get out of there those are for he funeral.”

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full-length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks. “They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.

The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?” she asks.

The husband shrugs, “Why not, it worked for your ass, didn’t it?”

While working on a lesson in world religions, a kindergarten teacher asked her students to bring something related to their family’s faith to class.

At the appropriate time, she asked the students to come forward and share with the rest of the students.

The first child said, “I am Muslim, and this is my prayer rug.”

The second child said, “I am Jewish, and this is the Star of David.”

The third child said, “I am Catholic, and this is my rosary.”

The final child said, “I am Southern Baptist, and this is my casserole dish.”

A man had a parrot who knew only one sentence, which was “Let’s make love.” The parrot said it all the time, embarrassing the owner to no end.

Finally he went to his parish priest and told him of his parrot problem.

“I have a parrot who also only knows one sentence,” replied the priest. “He always says, ‘Let us pray.’ Bring your parrot over Sunday after mass, and I’m sure your parrot will be praying by the end of the day.”

As directed, the owner brought the parrot to the rectory after mass. The parrot, spying the priest’s parrot, opened his mouth and blurted out, “Let’s make love.”

The priest’s parrot closed its eyes, turned its beak heavenward and said, “Thank you, Lord, my prayers have been answered.”

A new preacher at his first sermon was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the sermon, he asked one of the older preachers how he had done. The old preacher said, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of Vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So the next Sunday he took the preacher’s advice. At the beguining of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office, he found a note from the preacher on his door…

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There were 2 Disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus as the ‘late J.C.’
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the Cross as the big ‘T’!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my flesh”, he did not say, “Eat Me.”
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for he grub. Yeah God!”

As the dentist was putting on his rubber gloves, he asked the elderly lady, “Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?”

She said, “No.”

“Well,” he spoofed, “down in Puerto Rico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the natives walk up to the tank, and dip their hands in — and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up — then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’, and go around again.”

She didn’t laugh a bit.

Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop working on her teeth because she burst out laughing.

She explained, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!”