Jokes News

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the Rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. “I’m blessing it,” the priest replied.

The Rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

>1. In a laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your
clothes when the light goes out.
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>2. In a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.
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>3. In an office. Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday
kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
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>4. In another office: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot
and stand upside down on the draining board.
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>5. On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this
door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side
entrance).
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>6. Outside a second-hand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing
machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
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>7. Quicksand warning: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be
drowned. By order of the District Council.
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>8. Notice in a dry cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments here
for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
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>9. In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.
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>10. Spotted in a safari park: Elephants. Please stay in your car.
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>11. Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn’t
know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
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>12. Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for
free, but the bull charges.
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>13. Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you
how to get lessons.
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>14. On a repair shop door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on
the door - the bell doesn’t work.)
>
>15. Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order.
Please use floor below.

A man walked in to Joe’s Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks “What’s up?”

The man proceeds to explain he’s taking a vacation to Rome. “ROME?!” Joe says, “Why would you want to go there? It’s a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You’d be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?” “We’re taking TWA,” the man replies.

“TWA?!” yells Joe. “They’re a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late! So where you staying in Rome?” The man says “We’ll be at the downtown International Marriot.” “That DUMP?!” says Joe. “That’s the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they’re overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?” The man says “We’re going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope.”

“HA! That’s rich!” laughs Joe. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You’re going to need it!”

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, “Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!” “No, quite the opposite” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!”

“Hmmm,” Joe says, “Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described.” “No, quite the opposite! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling. It’s the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!”

“Well,” Joe mumbles, “I KNOW you didn’t get to see the Pope!” “Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”

Impressed, Joe asks, “Tell me, please! What’d he say?” “Oh, not much really, he just said, “Where’d you get that awful haircut?

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. She says, “I’m on the road a lot, and my friends are complaining that they can never reach me.”

“Don’t you have a phone in your car?” the psychiatrist asks.

“That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.”

Puzzled, he asks, “Uh … How’s that working?”

“Actually, I haven’t gotten any letters yet,” the blonde responded.

“And why do you think that is?”

The blonde thinks for a few seconds, and says, “I figure it’s because when I’m driving around, my zip code keeps changing.”

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too far, fell into the well, and drowned.

The husband was stunned for awhile, but then smiled and said, “It really works!”

Why does New Jersey have so may Toxic Waste Dumps and Washington D.C. have so many lawyers?

New Jersey got first pick.

Q: Why is a blonde like a shotgun?
A: Two cocks and she blows.

There was this old couple getting ready to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. The old man went out shopping to find a really nice present for his wife.

When he returned home, he found his wife standing on her head naked. For the life of him, he could not figure out what in the hell she was doing , so he asked,”Honey…what in God’s name are you doing naked ,standing on your head??”

“Well dear,” she replied, “it is our 50th anniversary, and I was feeling kind of romantic…we are getting old, and I figured since you can’t get it up anymore, you might as well drop it in.”

your momma is so fat when I got up on her to have sex I burnt my ass on the light bulb.

1. I was so poor growing up…if I wasn’t a boy…I’d have nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over. Nobody’s home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work…I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said,”Because you came home early.”

5. It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning…put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid…When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby…My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I’m so ugly…My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.”

11. I’m so ugly…My mother had morning sickness…AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him,”Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said,”I don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I’m so ugly…I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.

16. I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror…I feel throwing up; What’s wrong with me?” He said…”I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”

17. I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.