Jokes News

A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he climbs on top of her.

“Can I turn the ceiling light off?” he asks.

“Why?” she replies, “Are you feeling a bit shy?”

“No,” he says, “because it’s burning my ass!”

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

Once a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food…..

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

One afternoon, a little girl excitedly approached her mother and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, “Really, Sweetie? Why don’t you tell me all about it?”

The little girl explained, “Well…OK…the Mommy and the Daddy take off all their clothes, and the Daddy’s thing sort of stands up, and the Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sorts of explodes, and that’s where babies come from.”

Her Mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, “Oh, Honey, that’s sweet, but that’s not where babies come from. That’s where JEWELRY comes from.”

Yo mama is so fat that when she weighed herself on the scale, the scale said “To be continued..”.

Two retired men were sitting in the bar at their local golf club, after an appauling round, in rainy, cold miserable conditions, with a pint of beer each.

“That was awful today,” said the first man, staring at the table through his pint glass.

“Yeah, it was the worst I’ve ever played,” replied the second.

“I wonder, do you think they have golf in heaven? I hope so. Just imagine it, the lush rolling hills, crystal clear lakes, immaculate greens, perfect conditions for golf. A heavenly course.”

The second man looked at him, and thought for a moment. After a minute or so, he spoke.
“Well, my sister is a psychic. We could get her to make contact with some people in heaven, find out about the facilities.”

“Great,” exclaimed the first man.

“Well,” continued the second man, “I’ll find out, and I’ll talk to you next Sunday when we play.”

***The Next Week***

“So, did you speak to your sister?”

“I sure did, and she managed to get in touch with a few folks up in heaven”, said the second man. “However, there’s good news, and, I’m afraid, there’s bad news.”

“Well, tell me the good news first,” said the first man.

“The good news is that there is awesome golf courses in heaven, just as we invisaged it. lush hills, crystal clear lakes, the lot.”

“..and the bad news?” said the first man, his voice more hesitant

“The bad news is, you’re off the first tee 9am tomorrow morning.”

Do you know what Michael Kennedy and squirrels have in common?

They both crack their nuts on trees.

A woman in a bar was picked up by Dennis Rodman, the famous basketball player known for the wildly changing colour and style of his hair.

They liked each other and the woman went back with him to his hotel room. He removed his shirt revealing all of his tattoos and she saw, on his right arm was a tattoo that said, “Reebok”.

She thought that it was a bit odd and asked him about it.
Rodman responded, “When I play basketball, the cameras pickup the tatto and Reebok pays me for the advertisement.”

A bit later, his pants came off and she sees “Puma” tattooed on his leg. He gave the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.

Finally, his underwear came off and the woman screamed and ran to the corner of the room.

Rodman said, “What’s wrong?”

The woman remained quiet and just pointed at the tattoo on his penis which read “AIDS”. Finally, she said, “I’m not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!”

He said, “It’s cool, baby, don’t worry, in a minute it’s going to say “ADIDAS.”

The statuesque blonde walked into a dinner party on the arm of a scowling tycoon. She took her seat at the dinner table while her escort conversed with other guests. A woman sitting nearby couldn’t help staring at the huge gem hanging from her neck.

“Excuse me,” the woman said, “but I must tell you… that is the most gorgeous diamond I’ve ever seen.”

“Why, thank you. It’s the Grumpmeyer Diamond.”

“I’m surprised I’ve never heard of it”, the woman said. “I’m quite familiar with most famous gems.”

“Well,” replied the blonde, “the Grumpmeyer Diamond has a horrible curse attached to it.”

“Really?” said the woman with great interest. “What is it?”

The blonde grimaced and gestured toward her escort. “Grumpmeyer over there.”

Did you hear about the nun that went on a fishing trip with three priests?

She came back with a big red snapper!

Why do Scots wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.