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why do we have shopping carts?

to teach women how to walk on their hind legs

There was a big snowfall in Washington, DC. President Clinton was working in the Oval Office and decided to take a break. He walked out onto the balcony and surveyed the beautiful new fallen snow on the lawn. He looked down from the balcony and was astonished to see written in the new snow in piss: “Clinton sucks”. Well, he was very upset, not only by what it said but what it was written with and that someone could get that close to the Oval Office passed security.

He went back inside and called his security chief immediately. “What’s the meaning of this?!!?” he shouted at the security chief. “How could anyone get so near the Oval Office? I want you to use any means to find out who did this. Take DNA samples, pictures whatever it takes and report back to me in 24 hours.” The security chief left and began doing extensive testing on the snow for DNA, took hundreds of pictures, called in the CIA, FBI and top scientists.

The next day the security chief reports back to the president. “So, do you know who did this terrible act?” Clinton demanded.

“Well”, the security chief began, “after doing all that testing, I have bad news and worse news for you.”

“Give me the bad news first,” Clinton says. The security chief says “From the DNA samples taken, it was Al Gore who did it.” “What?!!??” Clinton says, “how can he do this to me? He’s been by my side through everything, he’s my friend, I trust him completely. This is truly bad news. What could be worse than this?!?”

The security chief says, “Well, the worse news is, the handwriting was Hillary’s.”

When the Creator was making the world and all its inhabitants, he called man aside. “I’m bestowing upon you,” the Creator said, “twenty years of active sex life.”

Man was dismayed. “Only twenty years?” he protested. “Great One, that isn’t enough. Can’t you add a few more years?” But the Creator shook his head. It was twenty years or nothing, so man glumly sat down.

The monkey was called forth. He was offered twenty years of active sex life too. But, the monkey suggested humbly that ten years would be quite enough, since he seldom lived longer than that anyway.

Immediately the man leaped up. “Can I have your extra ten years?” he cried excitedly. “Of course,” said the monkey graciously.

The lion was then called forth and the Creator made the same offer. Twenty years of active sex life. The lion gravely shook his mane. “Mighty One,” he roared, “I’m a monogamous animal: therefore, ten years will be enough for me.”

Again, the man stood up. “Can I have the lion’s share also?” he asked eagerly. Both the lion and the Creator agreed, and the man sat down elated.

The donkey was then called up, but when the Creator offered him twenty years, he balked. “Sire,” he brayed, “I want to reserve some time for eating sweet clover. Ten years is ample time for me.”

The Creator nodded, then turned and looked at man. “I suppose you want his ten years as well?” Man smirked and nodded. “So be it,” said the Creator and turned away.

And that is how it came to pass that man has twenty years of active sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.

Little Johnny was considered well endowed, and his Mother told him never to pull it out in public.

One day, Johnny came home and put a large turkey on the table. His mother asked him where he got it, and he said he won it. When asked how, he said a group of guys were having a contest. Whoever had the biggest penis would win the turkey.

Shocked, his Mother shouted, “You didn’t pull that thing out in public, did you?”

To which Johnny replied, “Hell, no, Mom, I just pulled enough out to win the turkey!”

A Dallas police officer stopped a man for speeding and upon approaching the car noticed that that the man had numerous knives on the back seat. The driver responded to the officers inquiries about the knives by saying that he was a circus juggler and they were part of his routine. The officer aked for a demonstration so the juggler complied.

At the same time, George W. Bush was passing by and saw the juggling exhibition. He turned to Dick Chaney and exclaimed “I’m sure glad I quit drinking and driving. Would you look at what they’re making them do now?”

Bill & Doug need a break from their computer programming jobs, so they decide to try duck hunting. On the first day they sit in the duck blind all morning. Doug says to Bill, “I just don’t understand it, why aren’t we getting any ducks?”

Bill says, “I keep telling you, I don’t think we’re throwing the dog high enough.”

Three nuns died. All of them were at the gates talking with Saint Peter. Saint Peter tells them that since they have never had sex before he will give them one chance.

The first nun tells him that she needs about a 12-inch dick. So he tells here to go to cloud 12.

Second nun replies that she don’t think that she can handle all that much so give her about a 6-inch dick.

The third nun says well, I don’t think I can handle all that since I am a virgin. So give me a 1 1/2 inch dick. Saint Peter looked at her and says that he can’t help her out because (preferred name) has not died yet.

Two Eskimos, a big one and a little one, go to their local Alaskan convent with a question. The big one nudges the little one and says, “Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door.”

The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big Eskimo nudges the little one and says, “Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question.”

The little Eskimo timidly says, “May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?”

The Mother Superior answers, “There are no midget nuns living here.”

The big Eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, “Go ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question.”

The little Eskimo asks in a quavering voice, “Well, are there any midget nuns in Alaska?”

The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, “Why no, I don’t believe so.”

With this the big Eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. “See,” he says to the little Eskimo, “I told you that you screwed a penguin!”

A man is standing trial for the alleged murder of his wife. The presiding judge is reading the charges to the accused. The judge reads, “You are hereby accused of first degree murder for killing your wife by crushing her skull with a hammer…” Just then a male voice from among the courtroom spectators says, “Bloody bastard!”

The judge pauses to see who has said that and then he resumes, “How do you plead?” The accused says, “Not guilty, your honor.” Immediately the same voice says, “You no-good lying bloody bastard!”

The judge bangs the gavel screaming, “Order! Order in the court!” Pointing the gavel at the man who has made the outbursts, the judge says, “I know you feel revolted by the crime the accused has been charged with but there is no reason for you to disrupt this court with your outbursts. If you persist, I may charge you with contempt of court. Now, what seems to be the problem?”

The man steps forward and says, “Your honor, I have been a neighbor of that man for fifteen years. Whenever I try to borrow a hammer from him, he always tells me that he doesn’t have one!”

In the early days of his career, author Erle Stanley Gardner, creator of the famous Perry Mason mysteries, churned out stories for pulp magazines at the rate of 200,000 words a month. As he was paid by the word, the length of the story was more important than its quality, and he tended to draw the maximum potential from every incident.

His villains, for example, were always killed by the last bullet in the gun. Gardner’s editor once asked him why his heroes were always so careless with their first five shots. “At three cents a word,” replied Garnder, “every time I say ‘bang’ in the story I get three cents. If you think I’m going to finish the gun battle while my hero has got fifteen cents’ worth of unexploded ammunition in his gun, you’re nuts.”