Jokes News

your mama’s buttcheeks are so big Moses coudn’t even part them.

Yo Mamma so stupid she threw herself a surprise birthday party!

There was a nun whose worn out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day to relax her. Not to be lured into “worldly pleasures,” she huffily declined.

But the Mother Superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.

After a few more years, even that spiked milk couldn’t help, and the aged sister approached her final hour. As several nuns gathered around her at her bedside, the Mother Superior asked if she wanted to leave them with any words of wisdom.

“Oh, yes,” she replied weakly. “Never sell that cow!”

why wasn’t adam black?
Because you can’t take a rib from a black person!

Yo momma’s so poor she got arrested for breaking the gumball machine because it wouldn’ take food stamps.

Teacher: What comes after “G”?
Student: Whiz
Teacher: No,lets try again. What comes after “T”?
Student: V
Teacher: No, but I will give you one more chance. What comes after “O”?
Student: Boy!

Teacher: Name the four seasons.
Student: Pepper salt, vinegar and mustard.

Teacher: I hope that you are not talking in class anymore.
Student: No, just the same amount.

Recently, a 93 year old woman’s husband passed away at the old age of 91. The two were very close and she hated every second she lived without her husband. In fact, she was so depressed that she came to the decision that she wasn’t going to live either and that she’d kill herself to be with her husband.

She wanted to make sure that she did it right so that she wouldn’t screw up and become a lemon and a burden on her family. So, she called her doctor. She asked him, “Doc, where is my heart?” The doctor replied, “It’s under your left breast.” She didn’t want him to get suspicious, so she immediately said “Okay.” and hung up the phone.

The next day, the hospital recieved a call reporting an old lady with a gunshot wound to her knee.

A cat goes up to a rooster and says, “I can do anything you can do!”

The rooster took the challenge and jumped over a broomstick. The cat jumped over the broomstick and said, “See, I can do anything you can do!”

The rooster then went to a tiny brook, jumped/flew across and then asked the cat to do it. The cat ran, jumped, and fell in the water.

The rooster had a great laugh as the cat got out of the water.

The moral of this story is: Wherever there is a wet pussy, there’s a happy cock.

One day two kids where in the bathroom at school, one asked the other what a penis was. The other replied that he would ask his father when he got home.

Later that evening he asked his father what a penis was. As dad pulled his Johnson out from his pants, he replied, “This is a penis and a perfect penis at that!”

The next day at the urinal the son said to his friend, “This is a penis, and if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis.”

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, “That’s a nice kitty.” Drop the pill in its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cats front paws down with left hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat).

5. Again proceed as in 1 except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cats mouth by lifting the upper jaw & pop pill in quickly! Since your head is down by your knees, you won’t be able to see what you are doing. That’s just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you’re a woman, have a good cry. If you’re a man, have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who’s the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat & pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, “Who’s the boss here anyway?” Open cat’s mouth, take pill &….Oops!

9. This isn’t working, is it? Collapse & think. Aha! Those flashing slashing claws are causing the chaos here, aren’t they?

10. Crawl to the linen closet licking your wounds. Drag back a large beach towel. Spread the towel on the floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cats front & back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat).

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no man - or woman!

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat’s head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop it into cats mouth & poke gently. Voila! its done!

17. Vacuum up loose fur (the cat’s). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins & lie down.