Jokes News

A guy’s walking down the street and sees Dirty Johnny smoking a cigarette.

He says, “Kid, you’re too young to smoke.”

Johnny looks up and doesn’t say anything.

The guy says, “How old are you?”

Johnny says, “Six.”

The guy says, “Six? When did you start smoking?”

Johnny says, “Right after the first time I got laid.”

The guy says, “Right after the first time you got laid?

When was that?”

Johnny says, “I don’t remember. I was drunk.”

Sybil brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, to the photographer. She wanted to know if the photographer could remove the hat from the picture. He convinced her he could easily do that. Then he asked her which side of his head he parted his hair on.

“I forget,” Sybil said. “But you can see that for yourself when you remove his hat.”

EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATION

Employee Name _______________
Date of Review __________________

KNOWLEDGE:
1.____ The son-of-a-bitch really knows his shit

2.____ Knows only enough to be dangerous

3.____ Only has half a brain and is dangerous

4.____ Fucking brain damaged. His coffee cup has a higher I.Q.

ACCURACY:
1.____ Does excellent work; is not preoccupied with pussy

2.____ Pretty good; only occasionally blows it out his ass

3.____ Has to take his shoes off to count higher than ten

4.____ Couldn’t count his balls and get the same number twice

ATTITUDE:
1.____ Extremely cooperative (Kisses ass frequently)

2.____ Brown noser in poor standing

3.____ Often pisses off co-workers; thinks it’s his job

4.____ Doesn’t give a shit; never did, never will

RELIABILITY:
1.____ Really a dependable little cocksucker

2.____ Can rely on him at evaluation time

3.____ Can rely on him to be the first one out the fucking door

4.____ Totally fucking worthless

APPEARANCE:
1.____ Extremely neat; even combs his pubic hair

2.____ Looks great at evaluation time

3.____ Dirty, filthy, smelly son-of-a-bitch

4.____ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him

PERFORMANCE:
1.____ Goes like a son-of-a-bitch if there is money in it for him

2.____ Does OK around evaluation time

3.____ Works only if kicked in the ass every two minutes

4.____ Couldn’t do less work if he were in a coma

LEADERSHIP:
1.____ Carries chain saw and gets good results

2.____ Occasionally gets told to get fucked

3.____ Mother Theresa tells him to get fucked

4.____ Couldn’t lead a pack of hungry wolves to meat

————————————————————-

I understand that I have been evaluated and know my rights under the Privacy Act of 1969. I further acknowledge that I am as fucked up as a football bat and will attempt to correct my deficiences.

EMPLOYEE SIGNATURE X__________________________________________________

MANAGER SIGNATURE X__________________________________________________

Q: Why did the monkey paint his balls red?
A: To hide in a cherry tree

Q: What is the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: An elephant eating cherries

A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?”

Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.”

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

I was visiting some friends who have a real working farm. I was watching this one rooster chasing after this hen, when the friend’s wife came out to feed them.

The rooster stopped chasing the hen at once and ran over to begin eating. I stood there thinking to myself, “Damn! I hope I never get THAT hungry!”

Men, the next time you go to the public toilets, you may observe one of the following types of vistors:

Excitable Type:
Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.

Sociable Type:
Joins pals for a piss whether he wants one or not.

Timid Type:
Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.

Nosy Type:
Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow’s tool.

Indifferent Type:
All urinals being occupied, uses sink.

Clever Type:
Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time; pees on foot.

Vain Type:
Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.

Absent-Minded Type:
Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants.

Worried Type:
Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing.

Disgruntled Type:
Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.

Conceited Type:
Holds 2-inch tool like a baseball bat while peeing.

Sneaky Type:
Drops silent farts while peeing and looks at the bloke next to him.

Sloppy Type:
Pees on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later.

Learned Type:
Reads a book or newspaper while peeing.

Childish Type:
Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while peeing.

Efficient Type:
Waits until he has to poop and does both at the same time.

Strong Type:
Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops.

Drunken Type:
Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pees in trousers.

Embarrassed Type:
Covers tool with both hands and pees through fingers.

A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked,”Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?”

“Yes, of course,” said the doctor, “Why not!”

“Oh! How nice it would be,” said the patient with joy, “I have been illiterate for so long.”

A man goes to the doctor, and says, “Doc, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my arse.”

The doctor says, “Ah..I’ve got some cream for that.”

His baloney has a first name,
It’s “I-did-not-inhale.”

His baloney has a second name,
“I-wasn’t-getting-tail.”

Oh, he loves to sling it every day…
The White House people all just saaaaaay…

That Bill Clinton has-a-way
Of making bullshit sound o-kaaay.