Jokes News

A blind man was standing on the corner of a street with his dog when all of a sudden, the dog raises its leg and starts to relieve itself on the man’s trouser leg. The man reaches into his pocket and takes out a doggie biscuit. A woman who had been watching the whole thing runs up to him and says, “You shouldn’t do that. He’ll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!”

The blind man retorted, “I’m not rewarding him. I’m just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass.”

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked, with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t, Dear,” she said. I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky, little voice: “The big sissy.”

A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York. She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition: marriage to a wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called, “MAMA, I’m pregnant! Don’t get excited. The father is my boss.”

She began to sob uncontrollably while her mother tried to console her. The next morning, the mother charged into the office of the boss. “YOU,” she shouted, “What’s going to be?”

The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his mid thirties, held up his hand: “Please take a seat, Mrs. Horowitz. I’m making all the arrangements. Your daughter will have the best doctor money can buy before the baby is born. She’ll be in the best hospital. And afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she will receive a check for twenty-five hundred dollars a week.”

The mother was taken aback and thought for a moment. “Tell me,” she said, “God forbid, she should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?”

You might be a redneck if….

One morning you’re sitting at the breakfast table staring at your orange juice because it says concentrate.

Instead of taking your pants to get hemmed you walk them off.

Your family tree goes straight up.

The family business is Billy Bob’s Taxidermy Service.

What do having sex in a canoe and American beer have in commen?

They’re both fucking near water.

One day a woman placed an ad in the paper. She wanted a man who wouldn’t run away from her, who wouldn’t beat her, and someone to have good sex with.

One day the doorbell rang and she answered it. There standing on the porch was a man with no arms and no legs.

She asked him, “Can I help you?” He replied,”I’m here about the ad in the paper.”

She went on and said, “So you promise you won’t run away from me?” He said, “I don’t have any legs to run away on.”

She then asked, “You promise not to beat me??” In reply, “I have no arms to beat you with, how could I ever beat you?”

She said, “How do I know you’ll be someone to have good sex with???” He then said, “How do you think I rang the door bell????”

This bloke, had just been sacked from his job, so he and a few of the boyz went out and had a few beers.

Midnight comes and this bloke is blind drunk. As he’s walking home he sees these 3 penguins. Thinking they’re short tourists, he says, “Howsaa goin guys, wanna come back to my house for a coupla drinnks?”

So he’s walking along and the penguins follow him. He gets home and soon after passes out.

When he wakes up in the morning the penguins are still there.. He totally freaks out.. He rings his mate, “Johnno, Get over here quick!” So his mate comes over and sees the penguins, “Ah.. no worries mate, I heard a news report about these fellas, just take em down to the zoo.”

So his mate does so..
The next day Johnno is walking along, the street and he sees his mate and he still has the three penguins. He says “Mate I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo..?”

And his mate replies, “Yeah I did, I’m taking ‘em to Disneyland today..”

**** Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don’t Use Computers ****

20) Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ‘95.
19) Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18) Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17) Too difficult to “mark” every website they visit.
16) Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear “You’ve Got Mail.”
15) Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14) Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13) Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12) Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11) Still trying to come up with an “emoticon” that signifies tail-wagging.
10) Oh, but they WILL… with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9) Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome ‘Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…
7) Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6) SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5) SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4) Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
3) Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master’s.leg.
2) Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
1) TOgO DA[M,bN HyAqRD Tgro TgYPmE WeITyH P;AWqS,

Q:What has six legs and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A: A pool table

One day at the Mexican-American border there was a Middle-aged Latino pushing a wheelbarrow across the country line when a border patrol officer stoped him.
“Stop!!! BorderPatrol!!!” Said the officer.
“What is it?” asked the weary mexican.
“What ya got there padre?” spoke the officer.
“Notting.”
“Nothin’, huh?” said the man in the uniform. “Let me see.”
“Iss’ jost’ sand”
“Yeah, right.”
The officer looked….Nothing, just sand.
So this goes on and on for days and days,months and months.
Then, one day after it had stopped for about a year,
the mexican was in a bar having a beer when the officer
that he had seen so many times suddenly walked in the door and sat down next to him.
The officer asked him “Come on now I know you were smuggling something, now what was it?”
“Notting…”
“No, seriously, I know you were smuggling something now what was it? I don’t work there any more so you can tell me. It’s been driving me crazy. Now please, what was it?”
“Notting,” said the mexican
“Come on now, you can’t get in trouble anyway, please, tell me,” said the man eagerly.
“You really want me to tell you?”
“Yes!!!! Please tell me, it’s been killing me, please,
tell me!!!”
The mexican looked at him and in a drunken’ spanish voice said, “..Wheelbarolls….”