Jokes News

Q:What do a Dirt Devil and Viagra have in common?

A:They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.

What do you say to a woman with no arms or legs?

Nice TITS!

I’m writing to tell you my problem. It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing: ironing, washing dishes, sweeping, even doing e-mail on AOL, etc. I would like to know if there is anything that u cnn hlp m wth nd f uno thel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sid mpskdli dlks; a;lld ;;’cinsely ous mdyl isn’t';dk

What do balls and Jehova’s witnesses have in common?

They always come in pairs and you never let them in.

Q: What’s the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
A: One says “Hey, you, get off of my cloud.”
The other says, “Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with…. the other is used to carry groceries.

Q: How do you recycle toilet paper?
A: Hang it on the wall and bash the shit out of it.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson’s dreams every night??
A: Hanson.

Q: Why are roach clips called roach clips?
A: Because “pot holder” was already taken.

Q: How can you tell if you’re at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, a Mexican, an Italian, a Priest, a Rabbi, and a Nun walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, “What is this? Some kind of Joke?”

Q: What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
A: The man.

Q: What’s the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?
A: Christopher Reeves got the electric chair …. and O.J walked!

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie’s father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it,Johnny replies, “In Susie’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Susie.”

Again, Johnny instantly replies, “Our allowance… Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine.”

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won’t have an answer to. After a second, Mr.Smith says, “Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says “Well,we’ve been lucky so far….”

An octogenarian newlywed husband boasted of his passion almost every night of his honeymoon.

“Almost every night?” a fellow oldie said.

“Yes,” the newlywed said, “Almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday…”

An eminent heart specialist was at a glittering social function and was in animated conversation with a lovely young thing wearing a great deal of makeup and the barest minimum of clothing. It was only a few minutes too late that the good doctor became aware that his wife, whom he thought was safely in the next room, was watching him with a steely glare.

Clearing his throat, the doctor said, “Ah, my dear, that young lady over there and I were just indulging in a purely professional consultation.”

“So I can well imagine,” said his wife icily, “but was it your profession, or hers?”

After spending a week in the hospital, a man was asked about it by his friend, “So how was your stay at the hospital?”

“Well, everyone working in the hospital has highly specialized skills.”

“In what?”

“Take the nurses, for example. The hospital has a food nurse who brings you food. It has a drug nurse who gives you drugs. It even has a coffee nurse who brings you coffee. Then there’s the head nurse …”