Jokes News

Q. Why does a bride always have a big smile as she’s walking down the aisle?

A. Because she knows she’s given her last blowjob.

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a chic gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which he was most at ease. “Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “I ask him a simple question, which everyone should answer with no trouble at all. If he hesitates, that tells me just what I need to know.”

“What sort of question?”

“Well, I might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’”

The hostess thought for a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example, would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses.

No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

The average secretary’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.

All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. (yes, they are on one side of the monument)

Almonds are members of the peach family.

Winston Churchill was born in a Ladies’ Room during a dance.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

Los Angeles’s full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula”. And can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, “L.A.”

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.

When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state’s third largest city.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “Its A Wonderful Life”

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the “1″ encased in the “shield” and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.(found the owl, not the spider)

It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

Who’s that playing the piano on the “Mad About You” theme? Paul Reiser himself.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

The name for Oz in the “Wizard of Oz” was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence “Oz.”

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

John Lennon’s first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

‘Stewardesses’ is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

Q: Did you hear about how Monica Lewinski went and got her love handles removed?

A: She came out of the hospital with no ears.

What’s red and green, and goes round and round?

A frog in a blender.

A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South.

He got a ride from a mean-looking redneck trucker.

After riding about 30 miles in silence,the youth finally said, “Well, aren’t you going to ask me?”

“Ask you what?” replied the trucker.

“If I’m a guy or a gal, cause I have long hair,” answered the youth.

“Don’t matter to me,” replied the trucker. “I’m gonna fuck ya anyway.”

A man was standing on a train platform seeing the train off, and he observed someone near him shouting at one of the departing passengers, “Goodbye! Your wife is a great lay! Your wife is a great lay!”

He was stunned.

After the train pulled away, he walked over to the man who’d been shouting and asked, ‘Exuse me, sir. Did I hear you correctly? Did you tell that man his wife is a great lay?’

The other man shrugged. ‘Yes,’ he said, ‘but it isn’t really true. I just didn’t want to hurt his feelings’.

Laws for women to live by:
1. Don’t imagine you can change a man - unless he’s in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man’s mind wander - it’s too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don’t make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day.

“Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”

“I’m in love,” replied Little Johnny.

Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, “With whom?”

“With you!” he said.

“But Little Johnny,” said the teacher gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? Sure I’d like a husband of my own someday… but I don’t want a child.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” said Little Johnny reassuringly, “I’ll
use a rubber!”

During World War II, Private Goldstein was anxious to get married before going overseas, but he was stationed in a small town in South Carolina and couldn’t get a furlough. His fiancee, Becky, was perfectly willing to come to South Carolina, and did so; but once there, a difficult problem arose. Becky was a pious girl and insisted on being married by an Orthodox Jewish rabbi. In the small town where Goldstein was stationed, however, there were no Jews, let alone Orthodox rabbis.

Nothing would do, then, but that they must send for Rabbi Cohen from the Bronx. The good old man agreed to help them in their dilemma; he took a plane to Charleston, and a bus from there to the small town.

When he got off the bus, several youngsters in the vicinity were struck speechless at the sight of an aged man with a long, gray beard, curling earlocks, ankle-length black coat, and conservative black fedora. They had never in their lives seen such an apparition, and they followed after him, running forward once in awhile to stare curiously at his face. More and more children joined the procession until poor Rabbi Cohen found himself leading a full parade.

Losing his temper at last, he whirled at them, shook his fist, and cried out, “What’s the matter with you kids! Haven’t you ever seen a Yankee before?”