Jokes News

Rabbi Cohen and Rabbi Goldstein were having dinner at a Chinese restaurant. After dinner while they were having dessert, Rabbi Cohen wondered aloud, “I’ve been thinking this while we’re having dinner and I can’t get it off my mind.”

“Well, what’s on your mind?” asked Rabbi Goldstein.

“Well, I’ve been thinking if there are any Jews living in China these days,” said Rabbi Cohen.

“Why don’t you ask the waiter over there?” asked Rabbi Goldstein as he waved for the waiter to come over.

When the waiter approached their table, Rabbi Cohen asked, “Do you have any Chinese Jews?”

The waiter thought for awhile and said, “I am not sure. Let me check first.” The waiter then bowed and headed for the kitchen.

Rabbi Goldstein said, “I’m sure there are Jews in China because our people have been scattered all over the world.”

When the waiter came back, he was shaking his head and said, “So sorry, no Chinese Jews.”

“Are you sure?” Rabbi Cohen asked the waiter. “Can you ask your manager just to be sure?”

The waiter sighed and said, “Okay.” So he bowed and went to ask the restaurant manager.

Again Rabbi Goldstein said, “I’m sure the manager would know something about Jews in China.”

However, when the waiter returned to the rabbis, he said, “Like I said before, we have no Chinese Jews.”

This time, Rabbi Goldstein asked, “Are you really sure?”

“Of course I’m sure,” replied the waiter in an exasperated voice. “We have apple Jews, orange Jews, grape Jews, pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews!”

One day a little girl was sitting in class when her teacher asked her to make a sentence with each word she told her to.

The first word was red, so the little girl replied, “I have a red dress.”

The teacher said good, your next word is nacho. The little girl replied, “I have a red dress and it’s nacho’s.”

The teacher said not quite, but okay, your next word is hotel. The little girl replied, “I have a red dress and it’s nacho’s. I have to be careful when I bend over or I show my hotel.”

A cowboy rides into town, hitches up his horse and walks into a bar. He goes up, gets a beer, drinks it, and walks out.

Half a second passes and he bursts back into the bar and says, “All right which one of you mule patoots painted my horse’s face yellow?”

A huge man-mountain stands up, looks down at the cowboy and says “I did”.

The cowboy looks up at him and whispers, “The first coat’s dry.”

…

The same cowboy rides into another town, goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen.

He walks into the bar, and fires his gun through the ceiling.

“Which one of you coyote scatts stole my hoss?” he yells. No one answers. “All right, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my hoss ain’t outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas”.

He gets another beer, walks outside, and his horse has been returned. Just as he settles into the saddle, the bartender flies out the front door asks, “Say, cowboy, what happened in Texas?”

Turning his horse into the street, the cowboy says, “I walked home.”

Why Bill used a Cigar?

Monica forced him to . . . she settled for the bigger one.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named “Amal.”

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.”
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, “But they are twins-if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

There was this guy that had car trouble one night while driving in the country. So he went up to this farmer’s house and asked the farmer if he could use the phone to call a tow truck. The farmer said “Ok.”

The man called then hung up the phone and said, “The tow truck won’t get here ’till tomorrow because of all this rain, so could I spend the night here?” The farmer said “Ok, as long as you don’t sleep with my two daughters, Nellie or Venus.” The guy promised he wouldn’t.

That night Nellie walked into his bedroom. She was so-o-o beautiful he could not resist. So he screwed her. Then an hour later, Venus walked in and he couldn’t resist her.

Three months had passed, when the guy received a letter from the farmer that said:
“Was you the one doing the pushin’ on the cushin’ and left your footprints on the head board upside down? Ever since you left Nellie she’s been having problems with her belly so don’t you think it’s time to come home and settle down?”

The guy wrote back:
“Yea, I was the one doin’ the pushin’ on the cushin’ and left my footprints on the headboard upside down, but ever since I left Venus, I’ve been having problems with my penis, so don’t you think it’s fifty-fifty all around?”

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.

“They’ve stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line.

“Never mind,” said the drunk with a hiccup, “I got in the backseat by mistake.”

Old Joe walked into a bar and began ordering martini after martini. After each drink, he removed the olives and placed them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks were consumed, Joe got up to leave.

“S’cuse me,” said the bartender. “What was that all about?”

“Nothing,” answered Joe. “My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”

How do you get laid?

You crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.