Jokes News

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn’t very bright.

So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: Would he be willing to screw the gorilla for $500? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. “First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.”

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.

“Well,” said Mike, “you’ve gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.”

A man walked up to a farmer’s house, and knocked on the door.

When the farmer’s wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question.

Again, she slammed the door and screamed, “Get the hell away!”

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door.

When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, “Yes!”

The man replied, “Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!”

How did the germany army defeat the Polish army so easily?

They marched in backwards and the Polish army thought they were leaving

A mailman was on his usual route when he delivered a package. After ringing the doorbell, a little boy answered. The mailman needed a signature so he asked the little boy if his mom was home. The little boy replied, “Yes, but right now she is out back fucking a goat.”
The shocked mailman asked the boy if that bothered him but he only replied “naa-a-a-a-ah.”

At a U. N. meeting, the American ambassador turned to the Japanese ambassador and whispered, “When was your last election?”

The Japanese ambassador turned bright red and whispered back, “Before bleakfast.”

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won’t let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

“First, you must wear a diaphragm.”

Cinderella agrees. “What’s the second condition?”

“You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.”

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn’t show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied.

“Where have you been?” demands the fairy godmother. “Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!”

“I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.”

“I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?”

“I can’t remember, exactly … Peter Peter, something or other….”

One day a woman went to her doctor for her physical. After all of the routine checks and ‘female’ exam, she was given great results.

Very happy and excited, she went home to meet her husband. “How did it go?” he asked.

“Wonderful,” she said, “the doctor said I have a tight package.”

“Did he say anything about your BIG ASS?”

“Nope, he didn’t mention YOUR name the whole time I was there!!”

An attractive young woman gets on the city bus and facing the bus driver, she proceeds to put her right thumb to her nose and wiggles the other fingers on her right hand. The bus driver responds by putting his right thumb to his nose, putting his left thumb to the palm of his right hand and wiggling the eight fingers on his hands. Then the woman grabs both her breasts to which the bus driver responds by grabbing his crotch rather impatiently. Upon seeing the bus driver’s gesture, the woman turns around, grabs her butt and stomps out of the bus.

A female passenger seated behind the bus driver sees the whole thing and comments, “In all my rides with you as the bus driver, this is the first time I see you act so lewdly, Tom. I’m going to have to report this to the Public Transport Authority.”

“Hey, hold on there, Mrs. Smith,” says Tom. “I can explain everything. That young lady is a deaf-mute. She asks if this bus is going through 5th Street. I tell her that this is going through 10th Street. She then asks it we are going to the Dairy Mall. So I tell her we’re going to the ball park. Then she says, ‘Oh, crap. I’m on the wrong bus.’ before she gets off.”

It is the year 1998.The US, Russia and Poland were at a huge international space meeting in Moscow.

The US gets up on the stage, so they tell about their space program. “We have accomplished alot in space technology,we have had men on the moon,we have sent up many satellites.”
They go on about the program for about 30 minutes.

Then it’s Russia’s turn,so they get up there and tell about their program. “Well, we have sent men to the moon and created the mir space station and sent up satellites also.”
They go on for about 20 minutes.

Then the polish speaker gets up there and says, “We don’t have a space program yet, but very soon we will be setting a record.” He pauses for a moment, then continues, “We are going to be the first country to send a man to the SUN!”

Everybody starts laughing and then a US astronaut points out, “You can’t send a man to the sun, he would burn up.”

So the Polish speaker looks over and says, “We’ve got that figured out.” He pauses for a moment, “We are going to send him at night.”

A blonde walks outside opens her mailbox, slams it shut, and storms back inside mad. The guy next door can’t figure out what that was all about. Five minutes later she does the same thing and the guy still can’t get it so he goes outside to wait for a third time. Three minutes later she does it again and the guy asks her, “Why do you keep running out here opening your mailbox and then storm back in?” The blonde replies, “I don’t get it! every time I get on the internet my computer says that I’ve got mail but when I come out here and check there is nothing.”