Jokes News

There was this Rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so many people ate pork. He wanted to try some, but there was nowhere in town he could go and not be seen.

One weekend, he made an excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant and ordered the first pork item on the menu. While he’s waiting for his order of pork, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the Rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the Rabbi has no choice but to agree.

Some time later, the waiter returns with the Rabbi’s meal. He takes the cover off the large platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth.

The congregation president is more than a little shocked.

“What a fancy place!” exclaims the Rabbi quickly. “Just look at how they serve the apple I ordered.”

The Perfect Man
—————-

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel and never mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man loves children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
And a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He’ll do anything in his power
To convey his love to you.

The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He’s a best friend to your mother
and kisses away your pain.

He will never make you cry
or batter you in any way
To hell with this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.

A girl of 23 married a man of 84, and they asked her how her honeymoon went.

“Well,” she laughed, “Did you ever try to put a marshmellow in a piggy bank?”

A panda is walking down the Main Street when he is approached by a “Lady of the Night”. She says, “Hello darling, would you like a nice time?”

The Panda says, “Um, yes why not?”

So they both go back to the lady’s apartment. She makes a fabulous dinner, with every dish imaginable, provides drinks, plays good music. The inevitable happens. They go to bed and have a really great night.

In the morning the Panda gets up, has a wash and says, “Thanks a lot for a wonderful night. I must get back to the Zoo now.”

She says, “But you haven’t paid me yet”

“What do you mean by paying you?” says Panda.

“Well, I’m a prostitute,” she says.

“What’s that?” says Panda.

“Get the dictionary,” says she.

The Panda reads: “Prostitute = a woman who provides sexual pleasure for money.”

He says, “Look up the definition of Panda”

She opens the dictionary at the required page and reads, “Panda = black and white furry creature. Eats shoots and leaves.”

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, “I don’t think that’s going to help.”

“Sure it will,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers:

1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly.

She did check on him often to see if he had learned the lesson, and heard 1,2,3,4,5,6,7.

She was very happy until one day she checked and heard 3-5, 3-5, 3-5.

A nationwide poetry contest was being held for college students. It was down to the two finalists: a sharp female english student at Harvard, and a redneck from Alabama State. The judges gave the finalists the same word, and they had to make an impromptu poem out of that word. The audience’s favorite poem would win the contest.

The Harvard english student was picked to go first, and the word was “Timbuktu.” So she thought for a couple minutes, got up to the podium, and started her poem.

Far away in a distant land,
They strolled across the desert sand.
Walking along two by two,
Destination—Timbuktu.

Wow! The audience applauded loudly; this was going to be a hard poem to beat.

The judges brought out the redneck from Alabama, and they gave him the same word. He took a couple of minutes to think, and then he stood up to give his poem. It went like this:

Tim and I, a-huntin’ we went
When we fell upon sum womun, in a tent!
They be three, and we be two,
So I’s bucked one, and Tim-bucked-tu!

This girl needed some money, so she is doing odd-jobs around her neighborhood. She decides she’s not making enough money, so she goes to a rich neighborhood. She walks up to this house and rings the doorbell. The guy answers and tells her she can paint the porch. He gives her a can of paint and $25. When he goes inside, his wife says, “$25! Does she know that the porch wraps all the way around the house?”

“Oh, she’ll do fine.” the guy says.

An hour later, the doorbell rings. It’s the girl. She says, “I’m finished. I even had some extra paint, so I put another coat on.”

The guy is surprised. Then the girl says, “Oh, and by the way, that’s not a Porsche, that’s a Ferrari.”

After a complete physical checkup, the doctor asks Dave Reynolds how old he is.

“I’m 60, doc” says Dave.

“Well, that’s astonishing, Mr. Reynolds,” comments the doctor, “You’ve got the body of a 35-year old. You might live forever. How old was your father when he passed away?”

“Pardon me, doc, did I say he’d passed away?” says Dave. “He’s 82 years old and skis all winter and surfs all summer.”

“That’s remarkable” says the doctor. “How old was your grandfather when he passed on?”

“Did I say he was dead?” replies Dave.

“You mean you’re 60 years old and both your father and grandfather are still alive??? Is your grandfather in good health?”

“Yes,” says Dave. “He skis with my father in the winter and still loves to water-ski all summer. As a matter of fact, he’s 106 years old and getting married again next Saturday.”

“My lord”, exclaims the doctor, “Why on earth would he want to get married at 106?”

“Did I say he wanted to?”

What do Michael Jackson and a greyhound have in common?

They both wait for the hare to come.