Jokes News

A man asks his doctor for a triple dose of viagra.

“Why do you need such a large dose?” asks his doctor.

“Well, Doc,” the man replies, “Tonight is my tenth anniversary, and I wanted to make it a very memorable night for my wife. I want to make love to her for hours on end.”

The doctor recognized the merit of his request and filled the prescription.

That night the doctor gets a franctic call from his patient. “You gotta help me! My wife has been called out of town. She phoned me from the airport after I took the viagra, and I’m going crazy!”

“Well,” replied the pragmatic physician, “Why don’t you go over to one of the neighbors? There must be some willing local women around there.”

“But Doc, for the neighbors, I don’t need the viagra!”

There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking in the desert together, when suddenly one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave. Then, he hollered into the cave, “Woo! Woo! Woo!

A moment later, the Indian heard a response, “Woo! Woo! Woo!” so he tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The puzzled Polish fellow asked the other Indian what that was all about, and the Indian replied, “It’s mating time for us Indians, and when you see a cave and holler, a response from the cave means that she is in there waiting for you.

The intrigued Pollack started running around the desert, looking for a cave to find a woman for himself. Sure enough, the Pollack soon found a large cave nearby. He thought to himself, “Look at the size of that cave!!! It’s bigger than the one that Indian found. There must REALLY be something really GREAT in this cave!”

So, the Pollack approached the cave with high hopes of ecstacy and grandeur. When he was at the mouth of the cave, he hollered, “Woo! Woo! Woo!” just as the Indian had done.

A moment later, the Pollack heard a response, “Woo! Woo! Woo! so he tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The next day’s headlines in the local newspaper read, “NAKED POLLACK RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!”

1. When you’re playing the piano, you frequently lose your grip on the bow.

2. You go to bed and accidentally fluff up your head.

3. You’re absolutely convinced nostalgia is a thing of the past.

4. You go to bed and purposely fluff up your head.

5. You purchase season tickets to the Super Bowl.

6. You have trouble picking your shadow out of a crowd.

7. You’ve caught yourself waving “Goodbye” instead of “Hello” when answering the telephone.

8. You put a higher antenna on your mailbox in an attempt to receive mail from farther away.

9. You go to bed and family members attempt to fluff up your head.

10. You fret over the fact that they never mention the hurricane’s last name.

11. You find yourself complaining to the waitress that the straw in your glass is upside down.

12. You find yourself wondering what branch of the military Captain Kangaroo was in.

13. Your neighbor’s radio blares at three A.M and you angrily call him up and demand that he change the station at once.

14.People repeat everything they say to you because you look way too stupid to grasp things the first time around.

15. People repeat everything they say to you because you look way too stupid to grasp things the first time around.

16. Your biggest worry about marriage is getting that little ring over your loved one’s head, down their arm, and onto their second finger.

17. You find yourself trying to convince a policeman who’s pulled you over for a burned-out headlight that he merely has one eye closed.

18. You worried about a sore that wouldn’t heal, only to find out later that it was a natural body opening.

Have you heard about the sequel to Dumb and Dumber?

Its going to be called Blonde and Blonder!

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
> I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
> employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
> knowledge?” To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would
> I
> know?” He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
> The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I
> was
> crossing with an intellectually-challenged coworker of mine when she asked
> if
> I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people
> when
> the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people
> doing
> driving?!”
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
> At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the
> company due to downsizing, our manager commented cheerfully, “this is fun.
> We
> should do this more often.” Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at
> each
> other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
> I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into
> itself and for the life of her couldn’t understand why her system would not
> turn on.
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
> When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
> car,
> we were told the keys had been locked in it.
> We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly
> to
> unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
> instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
> “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it’s open!” To which he replied, “I
> know - I already got that side.”

“This is to hep yu’all who don’t have the plesur of livin in the sunny South, which is sometimes covered in ice! Those who do, will wunder why these wus ever wrote down in the furst place.”

Sayings in the South:

“Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

“It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.”

“Have a cup of coffee, it’s already ’saucered and blowed.”

“It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.”

“My cow died last night, so I don’t need your bull.”

“Don’t pee down my back and tell me it’s raining.”

“He’s as country as cornflakes.”

“This is gooder’n grits.”

“Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.”

“If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.”

NOTICE TO NORTHERNERS MOVING TO THE SOUTH

The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South.

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the
year it snows.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.

Remember: “Y’all is singular.” “All y’all is plural.” “All y’alls is plural possessive.”

Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you, either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerners vocabulary is the adjective “big ol,” as in “big ol truck,” or “big ol boy.”

“Fixin’” as in “I’m fixin’ to go to the store” is 2nd. And “Y’all” is 3rd.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest
assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.

If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.

The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you’re supposed to do.

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerable more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

Be advised that in the South, “He needed killin’” is a valid defense.

There was a dumb blonde, a smart blonde, a tooth fairy, and Santa Claus. They were walking down the sidewalk, and saw a 10 dollar bill laying on the ground.

WHO PICKED IT UP??? No one, why?? Because Santa Claus and the tooth fairy don’t exist. There is no such thing as a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gumwrapper!

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, “Mom I’ve got a problem.”
She says “Tell me.”
He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn’t understand. She asks him what they are.
He says, “Well, pussy and bitch”.

She says, “Oh, that’s no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy”.

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, “Dad, the boys at school are using words I don’t know, and I asked mom and I don’t think she told me the exact meaning.”

Dad says “son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can’t handle them. What are the words?”
He tells him…pussy and bitch.

Dad says, “OK,” and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, “Son, everything inside this circle, is pussy”.

“OK dad, so what’s a bitch?”

“Son,” he says, “that’s everything outside that circle.”